Another shit blog
Posted 12-31-2011 at 05:11 PM by Phylum
Updated 08-11-2012 at 05:25 AM by Phylum
I didn't want to post another one of these blogs, but I just feel so fucking bad that I need to do something.
Since my last blog I've gone from being distant to my friends to them just plain disliking me. Whenever I try to strike up conversation they try to get out if I'm lucky. I've sent 3 people messages on Facebook in the last 2 weeks only to be completely ignored. I don't see myself sending any more in the near future.
I don't get it. Early in the year I was conservative and quiet, and people thought I was boring. Into the second half of last year I made an effort to talk more and be interesting, and people just fucking hated what I said. I really made an effort but it's taken me nowhere.
This isn't the first time this has happened. I had 2 main friends through most of primary school who stopped liking me in '09 after knowing me for 6 years. They stopped inviting me places and talking to me, much like what's happening to me now.
The thing that really bothers me is that I don't have a close friend. I don't know anyone that has similar interests to me. I don't know people that I really love talking to. I don't know people that I really want to spend time with. The only people that come close to this are fucking ignoring me, the cunts.
I don't know why I'm so miserable about this. Everything else is really good. I'm doing brilliantly in school. I've finally beaten my illness, which I discovered was all in my head and somewhat related to all of this. Most importantly, I'm on what looks like a good path towards my dream job.
I'm in a brilliant place with my flute. I was incredibly lucky to swap teachers last year. While my previous teacher was amazing, this teacher is teaching me exactly what I need to know. My sound is improving faster than I thought possible and I'm really excited about where I'm going. I have my bass flute, too. A low-flute specialist in Melbourne has told me that he's so impressed with my playing that he wants to give me 4 lessons this year. Last year at the Australian Flute Festival he invited me to play with the Monash University Flute Ensemble, which was incredible. I'll hopefully be making a trip out to Canberra for a lesson with one of the best teachers in Australia at some point, too.
The worst thing about al of this is that as I'm getting more and more upset about everything I'm finding it harder to be motivated to practice. I need to do something about this, but I have no idea where to start.
Anyway, I feel worse for having posted this. I don't want to have to turn to some fucking online community for support about something so trivial. That's sad. It really is.
tl;dr I'm sad despite lots of things being quite good.
Oh, and I had 4 hours of sleep last night, so I can't vouch for how coherent this is.