this blog is gay

Are you ok there, buddy?

So, you did a thing. Well that sucks, but we all do things we want to move on from. Some are bigger, some are more secret, but they're all the same in that we're rarely told what to do afterwards. Recovering from our mistakes is steeped in romantic ideals like redemption and closure, but that's not how life works.

You did a thing. You can't undo it. You can't undo the harm it caused. It happened. And probably no one will come up to you and say 'I forgive you' and suddenly you feel great. No matter how kind anyone is to you, you'll know what you did, because you did it.

You'll never be a different person. Sure, you'll change, and you should change, and you have changed and always will. But you'll never be a person who didn't do the thing. You can't change the past. The thing you did has consequences and you'll have to live the rest of your life knowing that. Sorry. It kinda sucks, but it's also kinda obvious.

You can't change the past, but you can change the future. You can change how you act and influence the world and people around you. You can change how you react to events so you never do it again. You won't be perfect at this. You'll make mistakes. And you'll always feel bad. But over time, the good things you do will make you feel good, too. You won't be redeemed, but you'll feel better. Slowly. Eventually.

You say you want another chance. The good news is that you have another chance. Every moment that goes by is a chance to be a better person. You're always making decisions, choices that you're in control of. But nobody's going to do that for you. Sorry, you're autonomous. Some people can help you. They'll sit and listen or guide you as you process everything verbally (or through art therapy or sand play or whatever, it's all good). They'll nudge you in the right direction here and there. But only you can process everything internally.

It's exhausting, and it never really ends. You'll need to think about what you did and why you did it. You'll need to consider your own weaknesses and flaws. You might even need to work out your place in the world, your new place now that what's done is done. It's exhausting and it'll make you feel awful. But that's ok. It's ok to feel awful. It's ok to relive those events in your head. It's the only way to move on, after all. It's the only way to be your best self in the future.

Stop looking for someone to forgive you, accept that there's never a conclusion to the story, go and find a good therapist. Good luck.

you're totally right that i should probably find a therapist, but i dunno, i can't bring myself to do it. I'm the sort of person who whinges a lot but doesn't actually do anything to better their situation. i get worried that I'll lose my friends because of my constant whining but can't seem to stop even though I'm aware of it. basically i just need to grow the fuck up. hopefully it'll happen at some point. thanks for the kind words, wil

Synchronising what you know with what you feel and with what you do is tough. I recommend CBT. You can sit and read gradually in your spare time. Texts will say 'Hay, do these tedious exercises!' but honestly just slowly digesting the viewpoints is enough to start your mind down the right path.

You guys have some good advice and I dont have much else add just i think many people do feel this about themselves in the past over one thing or another and yes the need to be forgiven doesn't really go away. Healing comes from the inside. Comming to terms then moving on and trying to grow from it is all I can think to say or do there. Good luck man

I'm high now it's all good

Getting high won't help. You can be happy even without getting high, it's possible. Heck, nothing is impossible.
If you think you are a certain kind of person and don't like it then change yourself, it might be hard but possible.

if you're talking about the kind of things i think you're talking about i feel like i should at least say that i understand how it feels to hold shitty views and having the realisation that your core morality just isn't compatible with them, finding out the people around you aren't interested in whatever you have to say and just feel like you're being difficult and antagonistic when you're having a fucking existential crisis.

Many other people experience this too and it sucks we live in a world that had this happen but regardless this is a process we're all a part of and i wish you the best.

accidentally double commented my bad

sup man nice cat btw


have a happy new year as well


cheers x