Hate not the man, but the weakness.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 12:11 AM by STM
I’ve always had trouble putting my thoughts down on paper. I think there’s something daunting about being faced with the blankness of an empty page; there’s an infinite number of opportunities conveyed on the face of the paper, and maybe this goes some way to explaining why it’s hard to even start to put my thoughts down to be read. Then there is—of course—the fact that although things can be crystal clear in my mind, something goes wrong in the process of explaining my thoughts and they always come out stuttered when spoken, or jumbled when written.
I had to rewrite that last sentence four times before it made even a moderate amount of sense.
It’s hard then, to clearly demonstrate the despair I feel in my current situation, and how lost I am. I envy those of you who can just put your fingers to your keyboards and write, I really do, because sometimes I want to talk about what’s wrong but I don’t know where to begin and I forget things and it just becomes a big hassle that makes me want to withdraw from everything.
I can’t even remember the exact date, because the last couple of weeks have been such a blur but at some point me and my partner almost broke up. I don’t remember how we got onto the topic but it involved some massive haphazard argument where both of us threatened to walk out. I called her manipulative and clingy, she called me selfish and a rapist. She had a complete breakdown, threw things, hurt herself and walked into a cold shower with her clothes on. The next day she went to the GP and a few days later was diagnosed with BPD. She accuses me of cheating on her, of not supporting her, of a hundred other things. Now she can put it down to her illness which is both a gift and a curse. Now we know what’s wrong, that her behaviour is not normal, but it invalidates any entitlement I have to feel upset by her actions.
I want to leave, I want to walk out and be free from a relationship I don’t want to continue, I want to leave someone I don’t think I love any more but I know that if I do she might hurt or kill herself, she won’t go and get the mental help she needs and she has no support having moved to the other side of the country. Her mum is a cruel, toxic and evil woman and her friends are egotistical, vain, narcissists that would throw her under a bus if the driver offered a free ride home. Also we are obliged to stay in our apartment until the contract ends in September, I can’t afford to live there by myself and if she left I’d genuinely be fucked. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage and although I can see freedom through the bars, I can’t get out and reach it.
I really don’t know what to do but I’m so, so tired of how things are. Next month will be our one-year anniversary and her birthday on the same day. She wants to go to stay in a castle near Wales to celebrate but I think I’d throw myself off the ramparts.
Also I have a blog right now just to give me something to do. rebusartem.tumblr.com if you like shit black and white 'photography', take a look.
