My Name Is Ozymandias

Rather than preface this with some kind of update on the events prior I'd prefer to get straight to the point. My friend died. This isn't the first death I've experienced, far from it, though it certainly struck me at a strange time in my life. Nothing in my life currently seems in balance to how it was a year ago, even though I had just been dumped out of a 2 year relationship and didn't seem to know which way was up. Looking back now I'm more than just slightly envious of how secure everything was regardless.

This friend who passed isn't someone I'd known for any great length of time, but was the kind of friend that you have nothing but fond memories with. Their death came as a shock as the friend had messaged a couple nights before asking whether I would be coming out, though unfortunately I was at home with my family and he died that same night. Of course several scenarios play over in my mind where I'm able to attend whatever event it was he was at that ultimately lead to his death, and my being there preventing it ever happening. Anyone I've told about this gives me the same "You shouldn't think like that." But that doesn't help the fact that I do.

One of the hardest things is seeing the seemingly endless list of Facebook obituaries from friends and families, especially considering more often than not they contain photos of them. Though I'm guilty of doing the same when I'd heard the news. but seeing all these people gather to mourn; to post memories, to light candles, it makes me realise how immemorable I am. Growing up there were certainly fewer photos and memories than would be expected, and despite my best attempts I don't seem to have the memorable moments with people I'd like to have.

This sets about the crushing thoughts of "If I died tomorrow, what would I be leaving?" These thoughts are true for most people, and it's not the first time I'm thinking them. But comparing everything I have to everything of others terrifies me. Anyway, I don't usually blog and there's a multiyude of problems above and below this, so I'm just going to leave this here as some kind of mental note to be more memorable.