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I'm a bitter old man

Posted 03-29-2016 at 06:05 AM by Nepsotic

I know this. I don't really feel like changing it either, but it gets tiring. I lie in bed all day playing games or watching Sons of Anarchy, and drinking energy drinks, of my own volition, of course.
I'm not happy with who I am, and I'm not even sure I know who I am, but I know that if I'm not miserable them I'm not myself, or at least I feel that way. It's quite pathetic that my entire personality had become bitterness and depression. The worst part is I don't even care, I don't even care that I wallow in misery all day or if people don't want to be around me. There are only few people that actually matter to me and I'm worried that I'm going to lose them if I don't get out of this cycle. If all goes to plan I should be moving in with my best friend this September, that should change things up enough to get me out of this hole.
I don't know how I'm going to make it that long, though. I love my friends but as much as they say they're there for me I can't help but feel paranoid that they'll get sick of me and drift away. I don't know what to do. Do I just sit in my room for 6 months because that's all I feel I can do. I can't make Sons last that long. I can't change who I am, I'm a negative person to the point where my misery and depression has become part of who I am, and I don't think I can change that. Why would these people want to be around me.
I don't even like being here. I take my aggression out on other members because I like making other people feel like shit. The arguments I get into only piss me off and it's my fault because I'm too stubborn to step down and leave it, even when I know I'm right.
What do I actually do here
Sorry for the bad paragraphing but I don't give a fuck.

I think I might stop posting here. We'll see what happens. Thanks for reading this uplifting blog

Comments 50

Total Comments 50

Comments

	The family loves you no matter what you are. The OWF does too.
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 06:11 AM by Xorlidyr

	http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/...20150712221747 Hang in there!
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 06:15 AM by Vlam

Go for a bike ride, a walk, go outside or just do something which occupies time.

Depression is a hole, and unfortunately it's something you need to work on getting out of. You won't magically come out, you need to put in that effort to try to feel better. Not forcing yourself to be happy, but doing the things that make you happy.

It's a difficult thing to give advice on, because I can easily come off as not understanding. I personally found going for long bike rides make me feel really good, it helped me get out of my hole. Maybe you can find something which gets you out of yours!

Edit: I'm suggesting physical activities because it'll naturally release endorphins, which'll make you happier! And plus the sun feels great when I'm feeling shitty.

Posted 03-29-2016 at 06:16 AM by Moot

Updated 03-29-2016 at 06:39 AM by Moot

I'm not gonna tell you that there's some magic cure for depression, my brother--your age--burnt out, dropped out of sixth form and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I've seen how it whittles people away and hollows them out. I feel you, dude. Despite what you might think (because yea, we clash heads a lot on this forum), I don't mind you, and I definitely don't want to war with you. I try to be mindful of this in our exchanges, which is why I do try not to insult you or make things personal if we are debating.

You're not a bad person, you're a fantastic musician and you're obviously intelligent. So chin up, you shouldn't leave, because I think that you're a part of this community.

Posted 03-29-2016 at 06:21 AM by STM

	Work (as in: doing anything) is the best cure for depression I have ever heard of. It takes a long time, still. I hope everything turns out just fine for you! : You're not a bad person Undoubtedly : you're obviously intelligent I agree : you're a fantastic musician ...let's not take it too far
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 06:49 AM by Varrok

	For fuck sake, Varrok, you're a funny guy and I really want to like you, but sometimes you just take it too far.
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 07:06 AM by Vlam

	Ohhhh Vlam!
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 07:38 AM by Moot

	Sometimes I really wish I could rep blog posts.
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 07:39 AM by Varrok

	well, i hope you don't mind being ostracised, because that's the path you're taking.
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 07:46 AM by Vlam

	I don't mind, he knows. I want people to be able to make jokes about this shit because the funniest shit is the really dark and shitty shit. Thanks guys, I just haven't had the motivation to do anything lately. I've been in this pattern for 4 years and I've started taking meds recently but they haven't really done much, it all comes to a head eventually. Oh well.
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 08:34 AM by Nepsotic Updated 03-29-2016 at 08:40 AM by Nepsotic

As people have said before, the best way to overcome depression or anxiety is to just face it and something other than let it consume you. I know people always counter this with "People telling me to go out and do the things to help my depression that I can't do because of my depression" But it's not a huge leap forwards you need to take. It's about setting yourself achievable goals, even if they're small ones. Maybe don't take a 10 mile hike to some open field to relax in, sometimes just opening your window and feeling fresh air touch your skin is enough.

I myself have suffered from depression and anxiety similarly to yourself, and I can agree that it's best described as a "hollowness." But to put this into perspective of something you love (Dark Souls) People with a purpose don't go Hollow. Find something you love or enjoy, like your music, and just find some sense of catharsis in it.

Just don't stop and don't quit, slow down if you must, but always keep at it.

Posted 03-29-2016 at 09:26 AM by JayDee

	J_Dude is right on the money. I started by just riding around the block, to eventually going around the neighborhood, and now I'm going across the city. It eventually builds, just start with something simple!
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 09:46 AM by Moot

As much as we've never seen eye to eye, I like having you around. Quite frankly, this place wouldn't be the same without you.

I'm actually quite similar in person. Whilst I'm usually a happy and positive guy, I'm actually quite often a very angry and a negative person. To a point where I've punch walls, tables and myself.

My anger in the past has been devolved because of my speech impediment and the frustrations that it gives you. However nowadays it's mostly down to over-tiredness due to my job and my my lack of patients. (That's why gaming can make me pissed).

And I can be so negative that I only ever bring up the bad points and have a lack of enthusiasm for anything.

Basically nine times out of ten if I snap at you online, It's because i'm usually really tired and don't want any shit.

The thing that make try and control myself and stop being overly negative was I saw it annoyed my friends. I've only have very close friends and If I lost all of them... Christ. I don't even wanna think about it.

I found out the best thing really is not to say anything at all. It's hard because ranting is a great stress relief but man can it annoy people.

Don't get me wrong, it's great to speak your mind and I think more people need to do it. But if it's going to come across as overly negative and offensive to someone, it's best to keep quite I find.

I hope you start to feel better about yourself. Your not alone I can tell you that much.

Posted 03-29-2016 at 12:01 PM by Crashpunk

	I wasn't trying to be condescending, Neppy. If that's how it came across, I was just re-reading my previous post and it came off pretty preachy. I was just getting at the fact that I think you're valued here, and I believe that you're fundamentally a good guy, which is in response to you saying something along the lines of "you don't know whom you are".
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 12:25 PM by STM

My whole life was pretty tormenting emotionally. I do not really wish to tell you what was there, but basically I never had my teenage childhood.
This made me what you knew.

But half a year ago I suddenly realized that I need to change everything and I started anew. I went against my issues a lot of times and it resulted in me making a lot of friends.

Even now I am in a deep turmoil but the regular meditations and looking at my situation from different perspectives helps a lot.

One great advice. If you start being negative towards someone, apologize immediately and explain yourself. It is difficult but after apologizing and sharing the situation you suddenly feel much lighter and carefree.

And about hobbies. Having only one powerful hobby (like music creation) is not really effective. Better have a range of them. Like compose, draw and program. Three is usually enough to unleash you from depression.

And when you are in a deep depression, listen to some sad songs and cry. Let it out. The more negative emotions you flush via being weak and vulnerable, the stronger and happier your emotional state becomes later. It is like a wave.

Posted 03-29-2016 at 12:29 PM by Xorlidyr

Updated 03-29-2016 at 12:32 PM by Xorlidyr

	Real talk right now, Gish is one enlightened mo-fucker.
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 01:00 PM by STM

please don't leave. i know i've been really abrasive with you and Varrok recently but i enjoy your company, Varrok too. i'll be honest, all the recent conflict i had with you guys was painful for me because i don't like arguing with friends. so, i'm sorry about that.

don't forget you have a lot going for you. you're still young and full of potential, intelligent, artistic with your music and a funny guy when you want to be. you have a rich character. and you're attractive, you must be fighting off the pussy. and Jacob, who wants to bone you lolol.

anyway, try to stay upbeat. i love you, man.

Posted 03-29-2016 at 05:43 PM by MA

	I love you too brother, and I appreciate the kind words guys. As much as I seem to hate it here I bet I wouldn't be able to pull myself away from this place if I tried (see two previous accounts). Holy shit, am I gonna be the next Kapteeni!?
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 06:57 PM by Nepsotic

	What MA said, to try to stay upbeat, do not! You have to release the negative emotions, but try to do it through sublimation (converting it into creation or work) and not through substitution (being abrasive towards others). Without release negativity "condenses" and then may start "leaking" or even "explode".
	Posted 03-29-2016 at 07:57 PM by Xorlidyr Updated 03-29-2016 at 10:56 PM by Xorlidyr

Quit the energy drinks and start eating better, a healthy diet of good food, salads, meat, fish, you will start feeling better.

Keep watching sons and playing your games, just make baby steps with your life-style. If you feel like complete shit, sometimes having more responsibilites for others can help take your mind off of your own problems.

Try chores like house cleaning, polishing your car, fixing things, you;ll find that it helps you reflect and provides a small sense of accomplishment.

It may be some time until you can begin to shake off what is bothering with you, but you can learn to carry it and carry on. Good luck to you.

Posted 03-29-2016 at 11:44 PM by EVP_Glukkon

I cant do any kind of work unless I actually enjoy it, otherwise it just gets me down. I really can't it salad either, it's like if water was food. I don't know, responsibilities have never had a good effect on me. Carry it and carry on is kind of what I've been doing for years but it all comes to a head eventually.

And Gishy, I'm am abrasive person by nature. Producing doesn't really have the effect of escapism it used to, after how long I've been in this cycle.
Not really paranoid anymore though, talking to my friends really does help.
Right now it's just a waiting game, I guess.

Posted 03-30-2016 at 02:39 AM by Nepsotic

	I was also an abrasive person by nature. But I changed my nature. A lot. I did many things, which were ouf of my comfort zone. It just takes a bit of courage and resilience. The first thing that I did was destroying the pillar of pride that I had.
	Posted 03-30-2016 at 03:25 AM by Xorlidyr

	I already said that I don't want to change who I am. I like external change, that's what helps my mood, but not changing who I am fundamentally as a person.
	Posted 03-30-2016 at 03:31 AM by Nepsotic

	Then want to. Stagnation shall be your end.
	Posted 03-30-2016 at 03:52 AM by Xorlidyr

Why does being pathetic and miserable have to be fundamental part of who you are, Nep? That's the real question. It's similar to people with certain mental illnesses who don't really want to get help, deep down, because it's all they know.

I can't change who I am, I'm a negative person to the point where my misery and depression has become part of who I am, and I don't think I can change that. Why would these people want to be around me.

Nep, why are you any different from the thousands of people out there who have sought help, received help, and actively worked to battle this mindset? What makes you think you're more complex than these people?

You're not. There is a way out of this but unless you actively seek it and put the work in you'll never get anywhere. You'll still be sitting around around thinking "I'll never change. This is who I am" because you're too lazy. Or perhaps just too scared, deep down, to actually tackle this part of yourself.

But if you do you'll find that it's this negative disposition that feeds into your depression and aggression doesn't have to be who you fundamentally are.It's a certain mindset you've allowed yourself to wallow into.

Although I suppose berating someone about this doesn't help either. I know depression is a serious issue and simply telling someone to help themselves doesn't work.They sort of have to come to this on their own I guess. Get into the mindset where they're willing to wade through the shit. I don't know dude but It's better than just sitting in that shithole and saying "there's no way out!". Andy Dufresne did it and so can you.

Posted 03-30-2016 at 05:04 AM by Holy Sock

	Also, I was trying to be abrasive considering your self-proclaimed nature, Nep. Although maybe pointing that out ruins it.
	Posted 03-30-2016 at 05:14 AM by Holy Sock

	No, I am lazy. Extremely so, but I think the reason I have turned down therapy and counselling numerous times is because I know it won't work. It won't help. I've done it before and all it adds is extra stress. All I need is my friends. Maybe I'll be stuck in this hole a few more months, who knows. Things have to change eventually. It can't stay like this forever.
	Posted 03-30-2016 at 06:36 AM by Nepsotic

	Are you seriously enjoying Sons of Anarchy?
	Posted 03-30-2016 at 07:07 AM by Vlam

	If you're seriously not then get out of my face.
	Posted 03-30-2016 at 07:12 AM by Nepsotic

	Watching a soap-opera with bikers...
	Posted 03-30-2016 at 07:22 AM by Vlam

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