24th Birthday Blog Spectacular

Well, I'm 24 years old. Over the last week I've been thinking that this feels more significant than my 23rd birthday, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why.

A year ago, I'm not even sure what I was doing. I was probably stoned, unemployed and remarkably bitter. I still hadn't quite figured out what direction I wanted to take my life, and I was struggling to justify why I hadn't 'made it big' in some capacity, the way I think a lot of young people feel.

Now I have a job, some trustworthy friends and I'm in College, and I'm actually getting a lot out of my program. You know this Developmental Services Worker stuff, it's not about how 'exceptional' and 'special' people with disabilities are, it's about how they aren't, how they just deserve to be treated the way you'd treat other human beings. What I'm learning about myself is that, I need to treat myself a little better. I can't be so hard on myself for things that happened or were a result of things that happened a solid decade ago.

I think that what is really great about this birthday, or this year, is that I've started spending my time with people I can really consider 'good people'. Teachers, other students and friends alike. Instead of settling for whoever tolerates my weirdness or hoping at best distant friendships with people from when I was in high school would last me. I'm honestly not talking about anyone on OWF, because a lot of you guys try your damndest to stay in touch with my and I can be a flakey fuck. That's something I want to work on this year. I've branched out and met a handful of people face-to-face who like me for me.

Ten years ago, when I was 14, I was really good at the internet. I knew how to internet up all the music I wanted, I could internet the shit out of people who were mean to me and I could quote some fine internets to my meme-deprived friends.

Now, I'm not so good at the internet. I'm glad for it though. I don't really want to be that guy who has to live the way I want vicariously through the internet. Oh, I'll keep posting. I'll stay on facebook and stay social, but I can't participate in what I guess you'd call 'internet culture'. I've seen enough of that, I think it's superficial, at least for me. I'm done thinking I need to make my mark through this medium. The internet isn't really an immortal plane for me any more, I'm too old to seriously consider immortality, I think.

A lot of this has come from the last couple of days. I just started thinking about how dwelling on all this crappy stuff that happened to me, or crappy stuff that I did is going to prevent me from being good to people in a meaningful way in the future. I can be nice, sure. Everyone can be nice, but I think that being a good person and being 'nice' can be mutually exclusive more often than not. A polite person can still be a lascivious, hateful shit-cake and a rude turd can try their very hardest to do the right thing when it matters.

Another thing I found myself doing last year is trying to be sagelike and knowledgeable, to the point where I was maybe a little patronizing. I didn't really know anything, but I could articulate that nothing very complexly. I don't feel entirely more wise or experienced, but I know I can speak with a bit of authority on how to pick yourself up out of a slump.

If you're lonely, or at a crossroads in your life, all you really need to do is put yourself out there. Join a pottery class, or sign up for some yoga. Find something that you could laugh about failing at and then try to have fun while you learn to do it, even if you fail. It's easy to say this, but it took me a really long time to trust myself enough to be able to fail at something and not turn it into a vortex of self destruction. Now it's just "Oops. Meh."

I'm certainly projecting a bit here, but I'm given to understand a lot of young people are dependent on the internet. Not just as a part of the infrastructure of their world, but as an outlet for everything. I think too many kids can't express themselves properly without the internet, but I can't really say that's a good or a bad thing. I mean 'the internet' is such a general idea to me that blaming it for the unhappiness others might be experiencing is untenable.

People are so disconnected, and the internet acts as a sounding board for mutual interest so it makes sense, but I feel like when I have kids I don't want them to be like I was at 14 and feel obligated to seek out a safe space. I'd like to be a safe space, or a positive presence for people.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm going to finish my hangover-delaying Irish creme laced coffee and maybe walk the dog. Have a nice day.