2016.25

What is up, my dudes?

So, wow, it's the 18th March 2016; exactly one year to the day I started work on the site I'm working on. It's also my last day here, I'm finally leaving what the guys affectionately used to call 'Colditz'.

My year long stint at Colindale has been hallmarked by the amount of growing I've had to do. 2015 was an end of innocence; a sudden, jarring entry into the real work and the end point of a metamorphosis from optimistic student to travelling NEET to nameless white-collar economic end-product.

I can look back in retrospect and pin-point key dates that have helped me evolve in what I am at the moment. I was struck with depression in March when I was thrown head fast into a management position without guidance. May collapsed a nearly two year long relationship and at the same time saw me enter into a new one. Months trickled by and I grew tired and jaded and cynical. I've had a twitch in my eye for eleven months straight due to a regression into a perpetual zombie state from lack of sleep, punctuated only with caffeine induced moments of clarity.

I got fat in the last twelve months, from sitting on my arse all day long I've gone from 160lbs to a peak of 200lbs and the diet I've self imposed is gutting me of the thing I've probably used to medicate my constant state of neurotic apathy; food. Already I've lost 7lbs but there's work to be done and I won't be happy until my visible pot-belly goes and I can fit into the jeans I wore last year.

September time I moved into my own apartment; my little slice of the world that I don't own, nor have any claim to. It's small and mouldy and cluttered and the rent + council tax has whittled away my savings to the point that, three weeks into the month I have £30 to my name. I have no one to rely on for help in this situation and nor would I want to, comparative poverty is a funny thing and all I can say is that I'm struggling but coping well, and that is something I'm proud of. I must be the most overworked, underpaid quasi-manager in London because everyone else in the industry at my level talks about going on three holidays a year and I just put myself on the brink of debt to buy a second hand, 11 year old car so that I can actually get to work.

My missus has a pathological inability to hold down a job and has churned her way through four in the six months we've been living together. She's never had one lined up when she hands her notice in which means we often live on just my wage alone for a month at a time. If she does it again we'll lose the apartment and I'll probably have to go bankrupt because there's really not much else to do. It's not all her fault, she was bullied out of a few of them and whilst I'm only sympathetic about that, she'd rather leave than confront the bully which is a fucking wet blanket cop out if you ask me. There are times I've gone to the toilet to sob; a grown ass fucking man sitting in a cubicle crying because of the people he has to deal with and the stress he faces. Then I pull myself the fuck together, wipe my face and go back out and take more punishment, as everyone else in the world does.

But I love her, she's a nice enough girl. I don't know how to find the switch to turn her off about marriage though. What is it with women and marriage? How do you tell an emotionally crippled/ PTSD suffering abuse victim that you don't want to get married without worrying her into a seizure? Any advice from the non-cunts here would be greatly appreciated.

Despite the me me me state of this blog, I'm taking a more wholesome, international, self-reductionist approach to my interaction with the world recently. I am the traffic, I am the queue, I am the strain on the NHS, &c.. I'm so sick of listening to people putting their problems on scapegoats (which happens a lot in an industry beleaguered with covert racists at the helm).

I think the world is becoming by and large a worse place, and this might just be due to my increasing consciousness of current affairs, but I see how we treat our fellow man, how there is a general perception that cultural/race segregation is an okay thing, and this idea that people should stay in their own countries is now valid and an acceptable idea to champion, is concerning and creates a nihilistic feeling that the cycle will not end and that we're all destined to fucking hate each other until we cease to exist as a species any more, for whatever reason that may be.

What's good though? Well, I mean my birthday is coming up soon, and ignoring the fact that I'll be at my biological peak; another year under the belt gives me another year of experience at this thing we call life.

What else is there to say? I dunno, I can't think of anything. Excited af for Soulstorm.