Single

So I honestly thought we would end up getting married and having kids. We'd talked about it loads of times, and agreed to wait until we were done with university and had stable incomes. Eventually, she disagreed when I mentioned that, and told me she thought we could manage. I tried to gently let her know that I still didn't think it was a good idea, as much as I really wanted to have a kid with her.

Anyways. She left me a week later. She told me that she still loved me, but just couldn't be happy with me because we were both depressed and kept dragging each other down. I left that day to stay with my brother. The day after when I went back to pick up some more clothes and things we hugged and cried for hours, and she kept kissing me and then pulling away saying it was a bad idea.

A few days after that, she messaged me and said she needed to see me. Wouldn't explain why. We met for lunch in the city and I had my arm around her though I wasn't really sure what was happening. Afterwards, I went to go back to my brother's place, but she silently shook her head and took my hand and pulled me with her. We went back the apartment and had sex. She told me that she'd made a mistake and that she couldn't live without me. She said that her housemate could stop me coming over but couldn't keep us apart, and we cuddled for a while until I had to leave to avoid being there when her housemate got home.

The next morning she texted me to say she was sorry but it was still over. She continued to text me that she'd love me, and would always love me, for a week or so. A month later she had a new boyfriend with whom she's apparently incredibly in love. She told me that she fell out of love with me a long time ago and came to resent me but didn't know how to tell me that. She knew she had feelings for this guy before she left me, apparently.

After a few weeks of trying not to contact her I sent her some kinda rude messages that may have included "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and "Thanks for wasting two years of my life". She didn't respond well to that. Told me not to expect her to ever speak to me again. Swore at me and blocked me. Things got even worse after that.

A couple of weeks ago I got a text from her out of the blue though. Apparently she'd had some really good soup. "I know you hate me and I'm not too keen on you either right now to be honest," it began. And went on about some fucking soup she'd had. "That is all," it finished. I managed to last a week before I replied. I apologised for anything I'd done to make her think I hated her and we had a bit of a conversation. She said she didn't regret anything about our relationship, but I wish that she regretted ending it. She said she'd wanted to stay friends but I'd made it clear that could never be possible. I told her that if she still wanted to be we could, but only after I'd been in another relationship.

I'm not sure I ever want to be in another relationship, though. I just want her back. I tried sending a random snapchat to her to see how she'd feel about that and got one of her cat a while later, and one of her Christmas tree a couple of days ago. So I think she might still want to be friends. But I don't want to be friends with her. I want to marry her.

It's been three months since we broke up now and it's only getting harder. Whenever I picture a future without her I just want to end it now. Doing so seems like less of a terrible idea every day. I'm seeing a therapist and it's helping but not enough.

Anyways.