I don't like being with my friends

So I hate being at home. And I hate being at uni. And then, finally, the weekend rolls around. I inevitably go out somewhere with people, and I just feel bored, or uncomfortable, or out of place. I don't even really try any more. I sit there, and I smile and nod. I laugh, and I agree. And they lap it up. They fucking love me. They have no idea how much I'm genuinely disinterested with everything about them. It's been so long now that it's like they've forgotten how superficial our friendship is. I was just around at highschool, and so they accept me as one of their own. It's been so long that they can't even see I never actually talk to them any more. I try, but god knows the last time I had a proper conversation with anyone except my One Real Friend.

I feel like, even missing most of the year, I should have done better than making 3 or 4 new acquaintances at uni. I mean, fuck. I've met so many new people. I was kind of getting along with some of them before I got sick, but since I came back on my reduced timetable I literally haven't even seen any of those guys, let alone spoken to them. Maybe I should have been more friendly with them earlier on and gotten their numbers or something. I guess they're all assholes, but they're fun assholes. Exciting assholes.

I don't know if I should feel like it's my fault for being bad at life, or if I've just been unlucky about meeting people. I just know that almost everyone I know has all of these new people around them, and I don't. And I'm fucking seething with jealousy. Seething.

It's worth mentioning that in 30 minutes of chatting while gluing bits of paper together at a maths event this year, I felt more at home than I have done with the music people I see a few times a week. I know there are people out there that I fit in better with. I'm just in the wrong place to find them. I was going to join one of the geeky video game/computer/whatever clubs (despite no doubt getting ridiculed for being different by my family and friends), but my dad told me it was dumb and a waste of time and I listened. I don't know why I still fucking listen to him. The punchline is that he also thinks it's weird that I'm so distant from everyone. Hahahahahahahahahha.

I'm playing flute again, at least, and I'm in good form to get back into my degree. I think. I bought a digital piano too, so I get to pretend to be able to play it. I also get to feel bad about failing at every feeble attempt I make at transcription. If I don't get better at that kind of thing soon I'm going to struggle in my degree next year.

But hey, I'm giving myself some direction. I'm taking flute students over summer to earn some money. I'm going to fix my rooms up, and move all of my shit out of my current bedroom so that I can teach from there. Next year I'm going to teach privately at the 3 primary schools in walking distance from my house, and make phat stacks. I'm also going to get out over summer and perform somewhere, because at this point it's been over a motherfucking year and it's killing me.