I don't like being with my friends

Posted 11-02-2014 at 02:29 AM by Phylum

So I hate being at home. And I hate being at uni. And then, finally, the weekend rolls around. I inevitably go out somewhere with people, and I just feel bored, or uncomfortable, or out of place. I don't even really try any more. I sit there, and I smile and nod. I laugh, and I agree. And they lap it up. They fucking love me. They have no idea how much I'm genuinely disinterested with everything about them. It's been so long now that it's like they've forgotten how superficial our friendship is. I was just around at highschool, and so they accept me as one of their own. It's been so long that they can't even see I never actually talk to them any more. I try, but god knows the last time I had a proper conversation with anyone except my One Real Friend.

I feel like, even missing most of the year, I should have done better than making 3 or 4 new acquaintances at uni. I mean, fuck. I've met so many new people. I was kind of getting along with some of them before I got sick, but since I came back on my reduced timetable I literally haven't even seen any of those guys, let alone spoken to them. Maybe I should have been more friendly with them earlier on and gotten their numbers or something. I guess they're all assholes, but they're fun assholes. Exciting assholes.

I don't know if I should feel like it's my fault for being bad at life, or if I've just been unlucky about meeting people. I just know that almost everyone I know has all of these new people around them, and I don't. And I'm fucking seething with jealousy. Seething.

It's worth mentioning that in 30 minutes of chatting while gluing bits of paper together at a maths event this year, I felt more at home than I have done with the music people I see a few times a week. I know there are people out there that I fit in better with. I'm just in the wrong place to find them. I was going to join one of the geeky video game/computer/whatever clubs (despite no doubt getting ridiculed for being different by my family and friends), but my dad told me it was dumb and a waste of time and I listened. I don't know why I still fucking listen to him. The punchline is that he also thinks it's weird that I'm so distant from everyone. Hahahahahahahahahha.

I'm playing flute again, at least, and I'm in good form to get back into my degree. I think. I bought a digital piano too, so I get to pretend to be able to play it. I also get to feel bad about failing at every feeble attempt I make at transcription. If I don't get better at that kind of thing soon I'm going to struggle in my degree next year.

But hey, I'm giving myself some direction. I'm taking flute students over summer to earn some money. I'm going to fix my rooms up, and move all of my shit out of my current bedroom so that I can teach from there. Next year I'm going to teach privately at the 3 primary schools in walking distance from my house, and make phat stacks. I'm also going to get out over summer and perform somewhere, because at this point it's been over a motherfucking year and it's killing me.

Comments 8

Total Comments 8

Comments

	: I guess they're all assholes, but they're fun assholes. That's pretty much why I love this place. I don't like my friends either, I act like different person around them, one that they love, most importantly, one that's not me. Sorry to hear that things are not being very enjoyable for you, but it's good to hear you're getting back into music, I hope that goes well.
	Posted 11-02-2014 at 02:56 AM by Job McYossie

	Join that fucking club. One of my regrets was never joining those clubs at uni.
	Posted 11-02-2014 at 03:32 AM by Holy Sock

- Your friends from high school are going to stop being as exciting in adulthood, as you've noticed. These are people who want you to feel comfortable around them, but if you're bored that doesn't do much good. Am I right in assuming hanging out with them is part of the routine? You can try giving them a break for a bit, they'll be there when you need them to be.

Is there a farmer's market or something similar in your town? Depending on how they approach busking that would be a neat place to perform.

Parents can be a powerful voice when you're indecisive about something, a good question is were you having fun at this club? There's no shame in going back, I don't think. Unless you got a shame tattoo or brand for leaving, I don't know because I don't have a university edumacation.

I miss playing an instrument. I sold my bass about a year ago for utterly ridiculous reasons, this would have been fine if I'd had another bass to use. I assume you mean transcription as in listening to another Flutist and writing down the correct notes?

It sounds like this is going to be a boring winter and you're a bit frazzled at the idea of routine dominating your life before your (admittedly awesome sounding) summer plans. I wish I could tutor on shitposting on the internet. I'd be rich.
You're on the right track changing things up. Do you have a part time job? I've found a job I enjoy (NOT stacking frozen fish in a warehouse, that will be sucky) greatly influences my satisfaction in life. Even if you're bored off your tits outside the workplace, if you have a job you like it can improve your quality of life.

Last year I got a job at a Video Store. It was your barebones retail job and extremely easy; operate a till, look stuff up on the computer, mop the occasional puddle of puke.
Believe it or not when I started I could not carry my voice. My managers would BOOM at customers where to cash out, and I was like a humungous little mouse going

yuh-you can ca-cash out here...I guess.

The exposure to other people is one of the best (and occasionally worst) parts of doing a basic retail job, and it gave me a new set of skills I could put to use. If that sounds like something you might like I'd pursue it. Everyday strangers can be much more exciting than the people you've known for years.

Generally though, find ways to shake things up. I recently overhauled my living space as well, eliminating YEARS of clutter, and I've felt great about it since then. I was going to repaint it even but might save that for midwinter when I'm really shot for things to do.

Posted 11-02-2014 at 05:05 AM by Mac Sirloin

	All I do is pretend I'm having fun. You nail that and you're sorted.
	Posted 11-02-2014 at 12:20 PM by Nepsotic

If you see something you think you'll enjoy do not let it escape your clutches. Go back to the club and fucking demand entry if you have to. We're stuck on this rock for a spit of time and then we cease to be, do everything you can to maximise your enjoyment of it. Don't be afraid to think of long run happiness as well. A choice you make today might make you more unhappy or stressed now, but in five or ten years it might be a net gain. Just general advice for you.

Posted 11-02-2014 at 01:10 PM by STM

You guys seem to forget that I live on whacky Australian time. Joining a club at uni is hard, because uni is finished until March as of this week. Summer is a month away, so I'm not going to start looking for a job now when I could be teaching 2-3 days a week soon.

I'm also going to be helping organise/livetream a video game tournament over here in December - January. I'm helping to write some sponsorship applications now, and I'm going to be livestreaming almost every other night leading up to it, hopefully. If we advertise the shit out of it we could get a few hundred viewers, which is cool.

Posted 11-02-2014 at 02:55 PM by Phylum

I have one piece of life advice that isn't really relevant to this situation but it's pretty much the only thing I've learned in my nineteen years that can be condensed into a memorable statement so...

Don't punctuate your life.

You know what I mean. The stuff you do when you get home, or before you go to bed. Those little breathers you give yourself between segments of your day that don't really accomplish anything, but still make you feel weird if you leave them out.

Do the things you have to do, and the things you want to do, and fuck the rest. If your reason for doing something is that it's what you always do, then stop doing it today. It's robbing you of your time while making your life neither happier nor more meaningful, so just stop it.

You could either piss about for five minutes before you do something useful, or you could start it now and finish five minutes earlier.

Posted 11-02-2014 at 03:55 PM by MeechMunchie

Updated 11-02-2014 at 03:57 PM by MeechMunchie

I know how you feel. I mean, I "hang out" with people and they are nice but I just find them really, really boring to be with. None of them have the exciting traits I look for. At first i thought it was just them, then after meeting so many people and just thinking of them as acquaintances I know it is me.
I've started not to care so much, not sure if that is the right thing to say but that is my advice. Just do whatever makes you feel good.

Posted 11-05-2014 at 09:44 AM by Renney77

Recent Blog Entries by Phylum

k bye (03-13-2016)
My Year So Far (02-04-2016)
HELLO (12-10-2015)
cya tony (09-14-2015)
I am a Potato (08-27-2015)


< > 2024
Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31	1	2