Clothes Shopping

I thought it might be nice to get some new things before uni goes back. Some of my jumpers are looking a bit daggy, and I could do with another jacket. I'd tried to go a few times in the last 2 weeks, but I was always either too tired to make it to the shops or too tired once I got to the shops to walk around umming and ahhing.

So today I tried again. And I got to a shop. And I looked at clothes. And I came to a strange realisation. I don't want new clothes. I want to look nicer so that people like me more. So I bought nothing and came home.

It's a pretty cold hard fact that my friends make little effort to talk to me. I might be lucky enough to get asked how I am, if I go to the effort of starting a conversation. I've had plenty of time to experiment with this in the last 3 months at home, and I've watched days tick by where I haven't talked to anyone but my parents because I haven't sent a single Facebook message. If I strike a chord and get someone talking, I'm lucky if I get 5 minutes out of them before they get bored. I'm gradually coming to learn that staring at the Facebook page isn't going to make people message me faster.

I get annoyed with it every now and again, but at the same time I have to admit that I'm a hard person to talk to. Not only that, but I don't really have things in common with my friends. When I'm there in person I can throw words together and make anything sound good, but once you strip away that face to face contact it really accents how mismatched I am. Also I'm a bit of a cunt.

I worked really hard in school to make people, even my friends, like me. I jumped around between people quite a lot and never really found a place. I hated myself for a while there, and tried so hard to be someone else. I don't know how, but somewhere along the way I lost track of what I actually enjoy. Of what I like and dislike. I really hate to admit it, but I've lost a big part of my personality.

Seriously. I don't know when it happened, but I never go to see movies any more. I stopped reading books. I don't even get excited about video games. Everything I do is because of someone else. I bought a heap of games in the Steam Summer sale... which all have good couch co-op because I was going to organise to have people over, because I was bored and lonely. For years now the only time I've gone to see films is if someone has asked me. The last time I got excited about a movie and asked someone to see it with me was in 2011.

So yeah. This doesn't happen any more. I'm going to sort my shit out, and go clothes shopping again next weekend. I'm going to buy clothes that I like. Clothes that I want to wear. I'm going to take some fucking initiative and get excited about something again.

I started watching Game of Thrones on a whim, and I fucking love it. I don't know why I hadn't watched it sooner. One of my friends and I have been watching episodes together and discussing them as things happen on Facebook, because we haven't been well enough to get together and watch in person. It's awesome. We talk about dumb things like Jon Snow's hair, and who the sassiest character in each episode is. It's the kind of excitement I haven't shared with someone in so long and I love it.

I shit talked one of my friends into digging out his Hearthstone account and playing games with me, too. We've lost interest a bit now, but for a week or so there we were getting really competitive and playing heaps.

I've also been talking about baking to a few people, because that's actually something I really enjoy despite not having an oven, and I've done a few things already. Namely blackberry and mango curd pie, and lavender scones.

So yeah. Fuck highschool. People are great. I'm fucking dumb.

This is a really strange blog even by my standards.

Also as a quick downer I'm still fairly bad with my health and I don't know if I'll be able to do uni, even half time, starting tomorrow.