What Even is Time
Posted 07-07-2014 at 08:45 AM by Phylum
So I'm still in a really bad way. A really really bad way.
I can't do things. I spend all day tired and exhausted. I've been trying to go for walks and stuff during the day, but they just make me more tired. I've been pushing on with them, but mum actually said that she doesn't think they're doing me any good today. I want to keep walking. I need time where I can get out of the house. I need to fucking do something.
I've had minimal social interaction for the last 3 months. I try to talk to people. I try to start conversations. Nothing's happened to me in so long it's hard, and nobody makes the effort with me. I rotate through people so that I don't get too annoying, but I feel like I'm bashing my head against a wall trying to have conversations. If I didn't push people to talk to me I would have no contact with the outside world.
I'm trying to organise some things now. I feel like I could do a few things, even if it sets me back. I need to do things. I need to be with people who aren't my parents. I have one, if not both, of my parents home almost all of the time. When you're around the house 24/7 for 3 months with anyone, let alone your parents, you can imagine how tiring that would get. One of my friends is having a bonfire Friday night and I really want to go. I don't think I'll be up for it though. Being around people is tiring enough, and it's around 30 minutes away, so dad can't just instantly pick me up if I start to get too exhausted.
I haven't done serious flute practice in over 3 months now. I can't express how sad that makes me. I can't listen to orchestral music right now, or anything with flutes in it. I don't think I can pursue this any more.
I don't even think I can do uni half time next semester. I don't know what to do. I can't just be at home all day. I'm already at a point where days are just a blur. Nothing happens, time's slipping away and standing still all at once. I can feel my life slipping away from me. Any strength I'd built up after last year is gone. Somehow I'm still only 60kg, on the brink of being underweight for my height.
I spend all day feeling totally drained, and now it's 2am and I'm awake. I'm still exhausted, because I was up all day, but my eyes are wide open and I have more energy than I've had all day. This has been happening more and more since I've started going for regular walks. It's confusing, and frustrating in so many ways. I don't know if I should get up and embrace this or not. It's like my body spends all day wanting sleep, then wakes up at night.
I'm going to my doctor on Wednesday, and we'll probably try this melatonin thing. It had better work.
Afterthought: MM has actually been talking to me a bit on Steam and it's been pretty nice.