Killing Time

I'm still not very healthy.

Uni finished almost 2 weeks ago for me, and I've been resting up a lot since then. I daresay I'd been feeling a lot better. I was generally up all day, and getting to a point where I was going for walks, cleaning my room and just generally actually being productive. I was still getting tired at times, but it was infinitely better. I actually had the energy to be doing flute practice again, and in a few days was producing a focused sound that I've never really made before.

I somehow made plans to go to a movie on Friday with my one new friend from uni, which was cool. On Saturday I went to a school concert for my cousin. By Sunday I was pretty tired, but I had plans to meet with a friend who was visiting from interstate. She had plans to meet with people a few other days, but they were all at night and that's not really practical for me at the moment. I ummed and ahhed for a while, but in the end I went because I'm just so fucking frustrated with everything at this point. I was ok, but totally exhausted by the end of it. I went to bed right after I got home, and stayed there for the rest of the night. I was hoping to get up to eat dinner with mum and dad, but in the end my legs were just so tired that I got mum to bring it in to me.

Today it's 4:30pm and I just got up. I feel awful. I'm tired, a bit sore and just generally feel like a zombie.

Everything is totally fucked. I'm confused and scared. I feel like everything's slipping away from me. If things keep up like this there's no way I can do uni next semester.

I don't know if I mentioned in my last blog, but I have to reaudition for performance at the end of the year because I dropped it as a subject. I'll still have a place in the Bachelor of Music, but they want me to prove myself again for my specialisation. Even when I've been resting I haven't been able to play heaps. I don't know how I'm supposed to juggle uni and practice when I'm getting this run down from basically nothing.

I'm going to see a guy on Monday. I don't know what he's going to say. I don't think he can really do anything except consider a CFS diagnosis. Until then I just have to wait.

This year has gone from being everything I've wanted for the last 6 years to a complete mess. The worst part is not even knowing what's going on. Am I wasting my time going back to uni next semester? Do I have any kind of future anywhere?