from bad to something something

I don't even have words for how I feel any more.

I've been feeling a bit better with my fatigue. I've been back to the doctor, and my chest x-ray was fine. My ultrasound is on Friday, so I should have the results by this time next week.

So I went back to uni today. I got a bit out of breath rushing around for a train I ended up missing, but other than that I really thought I might be up to going. I got there, and sang in choir for just over an hour. All of the standing up and sitting down was bad enough, but actually singing is just really physically excerpting for me right now. It took everything out of me.

So I went downstairs to the cafe everyone hangs out in. I had an hour until my next class. I was thinking I'd probably just go home, but I'd rest up in that time and see if I could go. I'd sit around, talk to some people. Relax. Laugh. One of the things I'd been looking forward to was coming back and seeing people. I've been so bored and lonely the last few weeks.

Apparently people didn't really want to see me. I don't even know why I was so surprised any more. I walked in, looked around for people I knew, and ended up sitting alone at a 4 person table. After a while all of the girls came down from choir too, which should have been good because all of my friends are girls. First, two of my highschool friends walked in, looked around, and went to sit somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with them having new friends and not sitting with me. I'm not too close to either of them anyway. When I'm there sitting on my own, is it unreasonable to think that they might invite me over to sit with them? To ask how I am? To say hello? To smile?

Next a group of 3 girls I've talked to and hung around with a bit came in. 3 of them, 3 spaces on my table. Would it be unreasonable to think that they'd sit with me? Yes. Even better, they sat at the table next to me.

Two of the girls from my aural class came in, and one of them actually said hello to me, but they also went to find their own table of 4.

Finally, one of my longest standing friends came in. I could see her look over at me, then at our other friends sitting at a different table. I thought I could rely on her to come and talk to me. To at least say something. Apparently not. I got totally blanked.

I was feeling really awful too. I couldn't catch my breath, and for a while I was even shaking from weakness. I was propping myself up on the table because the muscles in my torso weren't too keen on having me sit up. I would have gone over and done something dumb like asking my friends how they were in a really dicky way, but I didn't feel like I would have been able to make the walk across the room at that point.

I decided to send the only person I'm actually talking to on any kind of regular basis a text about how shitty I felt, and it was actually hard to type on my phone. My touchscreen is pretty awful, but actually pressing down on it hard enough was a challenge. She won't respond. She never replies to my texts. I usually only text her when it's important, but still she never makes the effort. I see her with her phone out all the goddamn time. She texts some people lots. Just never me.

After about 40 minutes of me trying to decide whether to just go home, one of the three girls sitting near me actually came over to ask if I was ok. She basically sent me home once she realised how bad I was. I guess I kind of needed to be told, but I was dreading the walk to the train. She's in the class that I ended up missing, so hopefully she'll let the teacher know and give me some credibility.

Walking to the train almost killed me. It's only about 10 minutes at a normal pace, but I had to stop and sit down at a bench around halfway. I made it on, and sat down across from an old woman. I was panting and must not have looked well, because she was worried about me. She checked how I was getting from the train to my house. She asked what my stop was, and told me she was getting off after me so I could go to sleep and she'd make sure to wake me. We talked about my course a bit, and she made sure I'd been to see a doctor etc. It was really nice until I realised a random stranger is making more of an effort than my friends.

I'm not being unreasonable here, am I? It is weird that people are like this to me, right? I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't know how this keeps happening. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm getting kicked while I'm down. Last time I got really sick for a long time it killed my social life, and it never recovered. I guess it can't really hurt now, I just really thought that things were getting better. I though I was past people being weird for no reason. I feel like now I've done the wrong thing by not going over to them today, but I don't even think that I could have. I'm going to send one of them a message and ask what the fuck is going on. I think I'm going to wait until I feel a bit calmer about it all though. Right now I almost feel betrayed. Like I trusted these guys to pull though for me, and help me feel good when everything is really bad, but instead they just ignored me.

I managed to play my flute the other day. I'm going to miss my 3rd lesson in a row tomorrow, but at least I'm starting to play again. My teacher said I should get myself excused from my first wind orchestra performance, partly so that I don't stress and push myself and partly because I've missed lots of rehearsals. I talked to the woman across the road the other day, and she said that the flute teacher who lives next door to me thinks I'm really good, so that's nice.

So yeah. I don't even know where I am right now. I don't know what's going to happen with my degree. If I don't get better soon I'll have to start getting exams moved around. I don't even know if I'll get better at all. I just wish I could know now. I'm in the awkward middle where fatigue has had enough of an impact on my education that I don't know if I should just give up. I don't want to get to a point 2 years down the line where this happens again.