guys

I feel for you. Hope it doesn't keep you down too much.

Oh I've been there. It's not nice at all.

But it's not the end of the world. Hopefully it won't get in the way of your friendship. (unlike me which it did...)

It's currently 1:30am and I can't sleep. That may or may not be related to this.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. It's bound to hurt a lot now but things will get better in time.

Man that does suck. On the plus side, you don't have to see her until you want to now school is done, and it'll help if you distance yourself from her and surround yourself with other friends until the hurt subsides some. It's the last thing you'll want to do but it's the quickest road to recovery.

Just be grateful that she said no explicitly. When they don't, things can get very messy, very fast.

Hey, at least you got some steamy lap action. Your penis was literally inches from her vagina!

I feel sorry for you. Hang in there

you'll be okay. it fucking sucks now, like has already been said, but it'll get better.

MM, it was easiest to say that she was sitting on me, but she was actually laying down with her head just above my knees. Penis/mouth proximity was the happening thing.

I got a decent block of sleep in the end. Can't tell if I'm feeling better or worse today. Just slowly plowing through my homework now. I figure it's a good opportunity to be productive while I can't be fucked with anything else.

Sleepless night #2, feat. emotional dreams.

Fucking hell.

It's always tough when one person rejects another. Sadly it's all too common. At least you can learn from times like these and start to gain experience so you'll know more about what to do next time. Often people blame themselves but it's not always your fault, bare that in mind.

The more I think about it the more I realise that I totally gave this blog the wrong title.

One of my friends is being good, and listening to my crap when I've needed to talk about it. She's also doing a good job of just talking to me. School lessons have finished now, so if it wasn't get her I'd just be milling around the house all day feeling sorry for myself.

It's hard to have your hopes dashed if you've not experienced stuff like this before, but try asking yourself: "Does this really change my life that much? What did I invest in her? Is it really worth losing sleep over?"

You're still young with plenty of opportunities ahead of you to try and get - I wouldn't take rejection so personally at this stage of your life, IMO.

The feeling will pass eventually.

I'm usually the rational guy who can help to calm other people down when they're overreacting, and I can definitely see that my emotions are getting the better of me here. That doesn't seem to help the feeling that something's been cut out from inside of me. The plunging feeling deep in my gut when I even think about thinking about it. All the same I can't shake it. It's all that's on my mind, especially now that all I have left for school is exam revision.

In the 5 years I've known this girl there's always been something about her. I remember the first time I saw her, the first time we sat next to each other in year 8 art. When we had a few classes together in 2010 I took the chance to start talking to her more. That was when we really started getting to know each other. It wasn't long after that we dated for a while. We were each other's first kiss. I've had feelings for her on and off since then, but this year has been something else. It's the most we've ever talked, and probably the most time we've ever spent together. And it's all felt so good. We had cute plans to catch up over summer. She actually told me that she feels something for me. It's like it's all built up to here, and I'm left with nothing.

I think I'm also upset because things are awkward, and we're probably not going to be talking again for a while. I'm not talking to the person that I've talked to more than anyone else*, the person that I've been the most consistently close to over my highschool years.

I know there will be more in the future. Right now I'm just struggling to come to grips with this too much. It was an emotional week anyway, graduating from school and having my last school performance. This might have just sent me over the edge a bit. I'll find me feet, but until then I guess I might just feel desolate and shattered, and feel the need to share that with the world. I really don't think that sitting on everything I'm feeling right now could be healthy.

This post might be counterproductive, but I actually feel better for typing all of that. For thinking about what I've been telling myself to ignore. My god, these last 2 days have stretched on forever.

*That might not be true. There are people I've talked to much more frequently with bigger discussion, but not over as many years.

you're absolutely right. you feel whatever you want, we're not robots. as stupid as it may sound, sometimes just spending a couple of days feeling miserable and sorry for yourself actually helps you get over it. as long as you don't get stuck there and remember to carry on with your own life after a while.

i don't understand emotions, they seem to control us rather than the other way around. i think sometimes you just need to let a bunch out, like a pressure cooker; let off some steam.

anyway, all the best and take it easy.

So she sent me some message today, and we ended up having a bit of a chat. It's good to know that things aren't going to be really weird between us. I felt ambivalent during the conversation, but at the end of the day it was nice of her and it timed out really well. I've been feeling better for it. I don't think we'll be talking as much as we were a week ago, but I'm happy that we're talking.

I can't tell if talking to her is making me feel better or worse. I'm definitely feeling something.

Welcome to adulthood, Tom.

I'm not ready yet D:

No one ever is WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR COMPLIMENTARY "ADULT" JACKET?

want to know the big secret about adulthood?

there is no secret. we're all still kids, that never changes. the only differences are more responsibility, trust and freedom (or less, depends how you look at it), and even they take time to gain. time time time, everything takes time. if you're impatient, like moi, that fact will probably frustrate you as it does me. experience and knowledge mean nothing really when we're all just as dumbfounded as each other. the body ages and so does the mind but the real you is still in there. i define 'the real you' to be our child-like selves.

god i talk such a load of goddamn hippy bullshit. fuck me.

That was some deep shit, MA