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I Feel Empty

Posted 07-20-2013 at 03:21 PM by Nepsotic

Mentally, of course. I don't know why or what it is, but it's just this feeling that I'm unfulfilling something, or I'm unfulfilled, or some shit. I haven't done a mony blog in a while, and I've been feeling better since my laptop was fixed, so I guess this is a total relapse.
I don't know what is going on, I have a growing hatred for... Actually here's an example. I'm sat in a pub in Wales and as I type this there is a pissed 50 odd guy sat right next to me and edging his way towards me. Fuck sake. He was just shouting stuff but I couldn't hear what it was because I have my headphones on. I hate these people. I'm in Wales and there's way too many scousers here.
I think I have a problem. I hate everyone, not in the way of "they're annoying", more like "I wish these people were dead". And it's mainly my generation, but loads of random people too. This hatred is not completely unfounded, it's subtle details I can pick up from people. I won't go into too much detail because it's not that important, I think I'm just a cunt. But I don't care because I know I'm better than these people. They're scum, parasites. At least I'm giving something back and actually doing something with my life. Thats what makes me better.
My generation is a different story. They're just all the same, mindless brainwashed zombies. Bowing to pop culture and licking celebrities arses. I actualy wrote a small JAM monologue about it when I was bored. It's not very good.
"When waking in a world where most people are benefit frauds, and go on the Jeremy Kyle Show to find who the fathers are for their 18 children. And where everyone shares images captioned "share if you care for your family, don't if you want to push your gran down the stairs". When realising that natural selection no longer applies, and people shout "bazinga" wherever they go, then laugh like a pack of mentally handicapped hyenas.

Then Welcome.
Welcome.
Ooh, predictive arse salad".

Anyway, the basic point of the previous few paragraphs was just getting across my hatred for society, I'll get back to the actual point of this blog.

I just feel like, I'm not doing something. I can't really explain it. I mean, yes, I'm still better than most of these people, but I have this horrible empty feeling inside me. Is it lonliness? Maybe I just wish I could talk to someone. Other than that I've also been feeling emotionally empty, like, I'm not even sad anymore, I'm just... Nothing.
I'm getting more paranoid, too. I love music so I'm always wearing my headphones, it means I don't have to listen or speak to any of the scum surrounding me, but I can't hear outside noise with them on. It makes me anxious. Especially when my mum's partner makes me jump like a fucking cunt. I don't dislike him, but he can be a dick and doesn't realise it, he just thinks I'm a miserable bastard when I don't laugh and high five him or some shit.
So basically, I want to be left alone, yet I want somebody to talk to. Only certain people. Like on the internet or my brother. I feel like he's the only person who truly understands me. Aaaand, there's the sadness. Oh well, I guess bad emotions are better than no emotions.

My music is going well. I'm on par with most producers now and I think "I'm getting better" would be an understatement. Still though, I just feel empty. What even is this.

Another thing I've been debating whether or not to say is about my sexuality. I think I may be a little bit... Bi?

Which is really worrying for me. I mean, I've had thoughts about it for a while now, but now it seems more frequent. I still prefer women, and I don't get attracted to guys, it's just certain people or something. Like, I wouldn't get off to gay porn or anything because it just doesn't do anything for me, but like I said it's certain people or things. The reason I'm worried is because I'm not sure how my family or friends would react. Nobody in my family has a problem with gays but its still a terrifying thought. I'm mainly worried about what my brother would think. On one hand, he'd probably be the most understanding and would be totally cool with it, but on the other he might hate me or something. Either way I won't be telling anyone. I mean, I know it's on the internet now, but who else is going to read this?
And as most of the forum are either gay or bi or something, could you give me some advice? I mean, at the end of the day I still won't tell anyone but it would be good if I could hear how (if) you told your family, and how they reacted.

Wow this blog is a mess, it seems I'm going back to talk about music now.
While I'm a decent producer I can't help but feel unsatisfied with my work. I'm working on an album now but I've started work on so many tracks it's getting overwhelming. Sometimes I'll be working on a great sounding track, but my mind will be all like "Nah, this sounds crap. You should stop doing that". So then I scrap a (for all I know) perfectly decent track.
And sometimes I get caught in the middle. Like, there's certain parts of this track I really like but I'm not sure this bit works and the rhythm is inconsistent and blah blah whatever shit dick.

So now I'm in Wales. I thought it'd be good and give me relief, I could chill and work on my album.
It's done the opposite. I'm completely stressed out and there's fat scousers everywhere. Fuck. Before, I think I heard voices in my head while I was listening to music. Isn't that a symptom of schizophrenia?! I was worried I might be developing it, but it can't be true.

On another note, I did work experience, stocking shelves at Superdrug. I skipped the last two days because I hated it, I fucking hated it. Being stuck in that fucking cesspit 9 to 5, and the manager was a dick. Seriously, she was such a fucking dick. Fuck her and fuck.

Now I know I posted this song last year but I'm going to repost it because it's my favourite song in the world and it always cheers me up slightly for the duration of the time I'm listening to it. I can't listen to it more than twice in a row though because it loses it's effect. It also saddens me because it's so good and WHY CAN'T I WRITE LIKE THAT? I really need to learn music theory.

Those melodies are fucking orgasmic. I want to be able to write melodies that good. Also I remember STM liking this.

Also I want my cat back.

There. I think I covered most things. I'm scheduled for another mony blog in two months so see you then, where I'll have load more boring shit to throw at you and rub into your hair. My own shit.
Thanks for reading!

Comments 32

Total Comments 32

Comments

	Oh, and sorry for posting another blog so soon, but I really needed to vent. I'm willing to bet that you all rolled your eyes upon seeing another blog from me.
	Posted 07-20-2013 at 03:22 PM by Nepsotic Updated 07-20-2013 at 03:32 PM by Nepsotic

I think I have a problem. I hate everyone, not in the way of "they're annoying", more like "I wish these people were dead". And it's mainly my generation, but loads of random people too. This hatred is not completely unfounded, it's subtle details I can pick up from people. I won't go into too much detail because it's not that important, I think I'm just a cunt. But I don't care because I know I'm better than these people. They're scum, parasites. At least I'm giving something back and actually doing something with my life. Thats what makes me better.

That's perfectly normal, and it's just a phase, will pass. The next step, and believe me, I'm honest, is to realize you're a completely worthless piece of shit, just like everyone else. It's not nice, but it feels... calmer to know you're not really above others. I had this too. I believe there's a point in most peoples' lives when they think they're better than everybody.

While I'm a decent producer

Ha ha. Your best song has 5 likes at soundcloud. Stop acting like it's otherwise

Posted 07-20-2013 at 03:45 PM by Varrok

Updated 07-20-2013 at 03:48 PM by Varrok

I'm going to focus on the part about your sexuality, because I feel that's all I can offer you advice on.

There's a very broad spectrum when it comes to sexuality. There isn't always a black or white. Yes, some people may be completely attracted to one gender, both, or none at all. Some people may even be primarily attracted to one gender but there is something in some people of the other gender that may be attractive, which appears to be your case. Who knows, you may discover in the future that you are definitely bisexual, or straight, or maybe even gay. Or, you may be the same as you are now. As time unfolds you become more and more sure of your sexuality identity and it is absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

It's entirely up to you whether or not you want to tell people. You might want to wait until you're more sure, or you also might want to let someone know just so you can discuss it and see what they think. In my opinion it might be good for you to talk to someone you are close to. However, I understand that is not the easiest thing to do and you might be afraid of how they react. But if they truly care for you they will understand and it might make it easier for you to come to terms with things.

In my experience one of my main issues with coming out was worrying about what people would think. I also told myself it was wrong and I didn't want to lead the kind of lifestyle that was inevitably going to happen and I tried to suppress it. That obviously wasn't healthy and it eventually lead me to coming out, and all my fears and worries went away. A massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. Now it seems like a very little deal and is only a small part of who I am.

Posted 07-20-2013 at 03:49 PM by Jordan

Updated 07-20-2013 at 03:52 PM by Jordan

Thanks, that actualy makes me feel a lot better. I have been talking to one of my friends about it and he's going through the same thing, but doesn't seem to be bothered by it.

Ha ha. Your best song has 5 likesatsoundcloud. Stop acting likeit's otherwise

Fuck you. I'm sick of you putting me down, and you are so obnoxious about it.
FYI, I am a fucking good producer, and I'm not afraid to say it anymore. My best tracks are ten times better than the ones on SoundCloud, and theyre not on there because they're going on my album.

Posted 07-20-2013 at 04:04 PM by Nepsotic

	It's good to have confidence, but your own opinion of your music isn't really an objective measurement of quality. Considering you've been making music for less than a couple of years, the reality is you probably do suck. If you're talented you probably suck a lot less than other people, but it'll take a few more years before you're actually good. Truth hurts man.
	Posted 07-20-2013 at 04:20 PM by MeechMunchie

	but all that aside, i still think Varrok was out of order with that one. blatant 'lawl ur muzic sux' comments are just unnecessary.
	Posted 07-20-2013 at 04:52 PM by MA

	Agreed, you need to stop being a cunt 24/7, Varrok, it doesn't make you one of the cool kids. I'm not gonna reply to anything you've written atm, Neppy, coz i am fucked off my face, but maybe tomorrow.
	Posted 07-20-2013 at 07:21 PM by STM

I feel like I can vaguely relate to some of this. I don't know how useful you'll find my advice, but I'll give it you anyway.

I don't know what is going on, I have a growing hatred for... Actually here's an example. I'm sat in a pub in Wales and as I type this there is a pissed 50 odd guy sat right next to me and edging his way towards me. Fuck sake. He was just shouting stuff but I couldn't hear what it was because I have my headphones on. I hate these people. I'm in Wales and there's way too many scousers here.
I think I have a problem. I hate everyone, not in the way of "they're annoying", more like "I wish these people were dead".

I feel like I know almost exactly what you mean. I sometimes get this feeling that certain people simply shouldn't exist, because they're terrible. My advice is to take a step back for a moment, and realize that they're not that different from you. Realize that you're not the hottest shit on the market.

Or alternatively, every time you find someone you hate, someone who you think must be worse than you, strive to be even better than them. Make yourself the better and bigger one. Accept that they're here, but that you can at least emerge as clearly being the victor.

I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

Another thing I've been debating whether or not to say is about my sexuality. I think I may be a little bit... Bi?

I wouldn't worry altogether too much about this. I can see where you're sort of coming from, but you don't really have to tell anyone. It's not like you have to wear a shirt proclaiming what you are, you can be whatever you like, whenever you like.

While I'm a decent producer I can't help but feel unsatisfied with my work.

Ok, I don't want to sound like Varrock about this, but I'm curious about just how you're gauging that. Not to say that music can be measured in quality in an easily identifiable way, but if it's just your opinion, then I'd be a little careful with that assumption. Sort of like what MM said.

I don't make that much music, but I'd say that if you aren't satisfied with the sound of something, you should keep it hanging around anyway. No need to scrap everything and start over, unless you're so low on space that you can't save a couple of tracks. I've saved almost everything I've made, whether it's good or not. Then later I'll end up looking back over it and, if nothing else, it gives me a sense of improvement.

I don't really have any final words or some last all-around bit of encouragement, but those are my thoughts and I hope you'll find something useful in it. Of course, it's always easier to give advice than to make use of it.

Posted 07-20-2013 at 07:47 PM by Oddey

	I'm gonna post the Genderbread Person again.
	Posted 07-20-2013 at 11:32 PM by Bullet Magnet

Jesus, people. I make music for a few years and I'd never call myself a decent producer at that point (at the current point neither, I admit I'm still a shitty musician). I know I put this boldly, but, god, Nep, if you want to become a good musician you can't overestimate your skills at the very beginning. And I think you just did. And my opinion wasn't simple "THIS IS DUBSTEP SO IT SUCKS": though I seriously dislike the genre I can imagine what people like in it, and I took my time to listen to your songs. They're not decent. You might be a promising producer, but it just hurts when you're confidentially call yourself a "decent" or a "good" one. By the way, if you're not satisfied with your music, and as far as I know you don't have hundreds or at least dozens who could tell you that it's decent, why would you even think that?

Edit: Okay, I shouldn't have laughed. Sorry.

Posted 07-21-2013 at 01:56 AM by Varrok

Updated 07-21-2013 at 02:01 AM by Varrok

I prefer that genderbread. It's easier to understand than the Venn diagram genderbread.

I can look at the music I produce now and objectively see that it's decent, and see a significant improvement from the ones on my SoundCloud.

Or alternatively, every time you find someone you hate, someone who you think must be worse than you, strive to be even better than them. Make yourself the better and bigger one. Accept that they're here, but that you can at least emerge as clearly being the victor.

But I am better than them. I know I am.

Edit: Varrok, I've had professional producer tell me my tracks are good and thatI'm extremely advanced for my age, and how long I've been doing it for.
You're acting like I said my music was amazing. I'm saying it's not bad.

Posted 07-21-2013 at 02:15 AM by Nepsotic

Updated 07-21-2013 at 02:19 AM by Nepsotic

	i like to think i'm a legendary lover with the stamina of a racehorse on crack cocain and steroids with the stage name Sir Cockleby 'Hairy' Henry Lengthalot IV. care to pass judgement on that one?
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 02:27 AM by MA

	I wouldn't know. Ah, I see your point. Fair enough.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 02:38 AM by Nepsotic

	that wasn't aimed at you, it was a chat up line for Varrok. oh Varrok, my one true undying love. i'll serenade you with chocolates and feed you trumpets.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 02:43 AM by MA Updated 07-21-2013 at 02:46 AM by MA

	Varrok, people jumped on you there because you've been needlessly cunty to Nep other times. You've been irritatingly crude in general lately.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 04:46 AM by Phylum

	: But I am better than them. I know I am. The idea is to push even further and be so good that even they know it.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 05:02 AM by Oddey

i like to think i'm a legendary lover with the stamina of a racehorse on crack cocain and steroids with the stage name Sir Cockleby 'Hairy' Henry Lengthalot IV.

care to pass judgement on that one?

I dunno, maybe you are. I don't want to be the judge of that because you'd have to send me your self-porn to analyze first, and the thought alone makes me itch. I don't judge when I have absolutely no grounds for that.

But I am better than them. I know I am.

You're better than people you don't really know well? Isn't it like judging books by the cover. How does the other people you hardly know think of you? I think there are some people (schoolmates?) out there who think you're antisocial, weird and overally no good. Despite if it's true or not, they might think they're better than you. What's your opinion about that? Covers do suck sometimes.

Varrok, people jumped on you there because you've been needlessly cunty to Nep other times. You've been irritatingly crude in general lately.

Well, shit, I'm sorry. But I really think that.

Posted 07-21-2013 at 05:06 AM by Varrok

Updated 07-21-2013 at 05:08 AM by Varrok

You're better than people you don't really know well? Isn't it likejudging books by the cover. How does the other people you hardly know think of you? I think there are some people (schoolmates?) out there who think you're antisocial, weird and overally no good. Despite if it's true or not, they might think they're better than you. What's your opinion about that? Covers do suck sometimes.

Everything you said is true, but their opinion of me doesn't count because they're nothing.
And that thing about 'don't judge a book by its cover' is absolute bullshit. The cover is the part of the book that's supposed to sell it to you, if it looks like shit (and most of the time, it does), I'm not buying.

Posted 07-21-2013 at 05:17 AM by Nepsotic

Everything you said is true, but their opinion of me doesn't count because they're nothing.

I think this resentment comes from your inability to manage that well socially, so to defend yourself, you focus your vitriol towards the people you struggle to interact with (even if you only spit your venom in your head, and I recommend it stays there). I'm not going to jump down your throat about it, because (and I don't mean to condescend) you're still a teenager and your point of view (like Varrok said) will very likely change over the next few years when you start to get a more realistic view of the world (including of yourself, although your own perception of yourself will never be accurate). When you calm down in that respect and come down to earth a bit, you might even find dealing with other people a bit easier, but a lot of it to me sounds like you're intimidated at the moment.

With regards to your music, keep trying. Compared to what you used to be, you're probably more decent, but at this stage, it's less about producing good music and more about gaining experience with the technology and with compositional methods.

Posted 07-21-2013 at 05:45 AM by OddjobAbe

Updated 07-21-2013 at 05:47 AM by OddjobAbe

	I love the genderbread. Nepsotic, to me you're just coming across as an angsty teenager with a bloated sense of self-worth, perfectly normal but at some point you'll probably look back at this blog and cringe. And as long as you don't act on those 'everybody around me should die' feelings you'll be just fine.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 05:57 AM by Vyrien

	: I don't want to be the judge of that because you'd have to send me your self-porn to analyze first, and the thought alone makes me itch. you mean itching to go?
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 06:07 AM by MA

	Yes. Particulary "Go away".
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 06:12 AM by Varrok

	you mean go away and get the KY jelly?
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 06:18 AM by MA

	Get KY jelly out of there and forget it exists, yes.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 06:20 AM by Varrok Updated 07-21-2013 at 06:27 AM by Varrok (typo)

	i'm not sure if i'm reading you right here, but are you telling me you're not interested?
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 06:27 AM by MA

	Hate to break it to you, pal, but it seems that your "one true undying love" is... one sided : ) We can still be friends though. In a "stay away from me freak" sense
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 06:29 AM by Varrok

	Of course he isn't, silly. E: Shit, sorry MA. You didn't need him anyway, man.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 06:31 AM by Nepsotic

	i feel empty.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 06:37 AM by MA

	My penis and I will always be there for you, MA
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 07:35 AM by STM

	thanks STM's penis.
	Posted 07-21-2013 at 08:30 AM by MA

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