I Feel Empty

Mentally, of course. I don't know why or what it is, but it's just this feeling that I'm unfulfilling something, or I'm unfulfilled, or some shit. I haven't done a mony blog in a while, and I've been feeling better since my laptop was fixed, so I guess this is a total relapse.
I don't know what is going on, I have a growing hatred for... Actually here's an example. I'm sat in a pub in Wales and as I type this there is a pissed 50 odd guy sat right next to me and edging his way towards me. Fuck sake. He was just shouting stuff but I couldn't hear what it was because I have my headphones on. I hate these people. I'm in Wales and there's way too many scousers here.
I think I have a problem. I hate everyone, not in the way of "they're annoying", more like "I wish these people were dead". And it's mainly my generation, but loads of random people too. This hatred is not completely unfounded, it's subtle details I can pick up from people. I won't go into too much detail because it's not that important, I think I'm just a cunt. But I don't care because I know I'm better than these people. They're scum, parasites. At least I'm giving something back and actually doing something with my life. Thats what makes me better.
My generation is a different story. They're just all the same, mindless brainwashed zombies. Bowing to pop culture and licking celebrities arses. I actualy wrote a small JAM monologue about it when I was bored. It's not very good.
"When waking in a world where most people are benefit frauds, and go on the Jeremy Kyle Show to find who the fathers are for their 18 children. And where everyone shares images captioned "share if you care for your family, don't if you want to push your gran down the stairs". When realising that natural selection no longer applies, and people shout "bazinga" wherever they go, then laugh like a pack of mentally handicapped hyenas.

Then Welcome.
Welcome.
Ooh, predictive arse salad".

Anyway, the basic point of the previous few paragraphs was just getting across my hatred for society, I'll get back to the actual point of this blog.

I just feel like, I'm not doing something. I can't really explain it. I mean, yes, I'm still better than most of these people, but I have this horrible empty feeling inside me. Is it lonliness? Maybe I just wish I could talk to someone. Other than that I've also been feeling emotionally empty, like, I'm not even sad anymore, I'm just... Nothing.
I'm getting more paranoid, too. I love music so I'm always wearing my headphones, it means I don't have to listen or speak to any of the scum surrounding me, but I can't hear outside noise with them on. It makes me anxious. Especially when my mum's partner makes me jump like a fucking cunt. I don't dislike him, but he can be a dick and doesn't realise it, he just thinks I'm a miserable bastard when I don't laugh and high five him or some shit.
So basically, I want to be left alone, yet I want somebody to talk to. Only certain people. Like on the internet or my brother. I feel like he's the only person who truly understands me. Aaaand, there's the sadness. Oh well, I guess bad emotions are better than no emotions.

My music is going well. I'm on par with most producers now and I think "I'm getting better" would be an understatement. Still though, I just feel empty. What even is this.

Another thing I've been debating whether or not to say is about my sexuality. I think I may be a little bit... Bi?

Which is really worrying for me. I mean, I've had thoughts about it for a while now, but now it seems more frequent. I still prefer women, and I don't get attracted to guys, it's just certain people or something. Like, I wouldn't get off to gay porn or anything because it just doesn't do anything for me, but like I said it's certain people or things. The reason I'm worried is because I'm not sure how my family or friends would react. Nobody in my family has a problem with gays but its still a terrifying thought. I'm mainly worried about what my brother would think. On one hand, he'd probably be the most understanding and would be totally cool with it, but on the other he might hate me or something. Either way I won't be telling anyone. I mean, I know it's on the internet now, but who else is going to read this?
And as most of the forum are either gay or bi or something, could you give me some advice? I mean, at the end of the day I still won't tell anyone but it would be good if I could hear how (if) you told your family, and how they reacted.

Wow this blog is a mess, it seems I'm going back to talk about music now.
While I'm a decent producer I can't help but feel unsatisfied with my work. I'm working on an album now but I've started work on so many tracks it's getting overwhelming. Sometimes I'll be working on a great sounding track, but my mind will be all like "Nah, this sounds crap. You should stop doing that". So then I scrap a (for all I know) perfectly decent track.
And sometimes I get caught in the middle. Like, there's certain parts of this track I really like but I'm not sure this bit works and the rhythm is inconsistent and blah blah whatever shit dick.

So now I'm in Wales. I thought it'd be good and give me relief, I could chill and work on my album.
It's done the opposite. I'm completely stressed out and there's fat scousers everywhere. Fuck. Before, I think I heard voices in my head while I was listening to music. Isn't that a symptom of schizophrenia?! I was worried I might be developing it, but it can't be true.

On another note, I did work experience, stocking shelves at Superdrug. I skipped the last two days because I hated it, I fucking hated it. Being stuck in that fucking cesspit 9 to 5, and the manager was a dick. Seriously, she was such a fucking dick. Fuck her and fuck.

Now I know I posted this song last year but I'm going to repost it because it's my favourite song in the world and it always cheers me up slightly for the duration of the time I'm listening to it. I can't listen to it more than twice in a row though because it loses it's effect. It also saddens me because it's so good and WHY CAN'T I WRITE LIKE THAT? I really need to learn music theory.



Those melodies are fucking orgasmic. I want to be able to write melodies that good. Also I remember STM liking this.

Also I want my cat back.

There. I think I covered most things. I'm scheduled for another mony blog in two months so see you then, where I'll have load more boring shit to throw at you and rub into your hair. My own shit.
Thanks for reading!