Am I Moodier Than Normal

Yeah. Totally. Very moody. Very depressed. Feeling put upon, and generally having the spirit drained out of me on a daily basis.

The Causes

Girlfriend

I love her. She's amazing, and beautiful, and holy shit, best sex I've ever had. She's also bi-polar, secretive, selfish as all fuck, and tends to make me feel really shitty about myself. I have tried to break up with her about four times now, and every time she convinces me to stay with her. She tells me how much she loves me, and how happy she is with me. But the issues never get resolved. She's like a child in the way that she deals with problems. She thinks that if she ignores them they don't exist. Recently, she has been asking me to leave, and come back when her ex drops her kids back off. Apparently, he feels threatened by my seeing them more than he does. That I understand. I felt very similarly with Abbey. But I got over it. Hiding is not the answer. He doesn't need to see me when he drops them off, but she doesn't even want him to see my car.

Then there is what happened about a month and a half ago. It's a long story, but bottom line is she went and stayed at her ex's place for a few days so she could take her kids to the doctor's out there, see some of her friends, and hang out with her ex's kids, who she was close with. She did this in a way where she tried to keep me from finding about it, but I caught her. I broke up with her at that time. And I know what it looks like. It looks like she is cheating on me. The problem is that this isn't the case. She isn't cheating on me. It's worse than that. She is so fucking selfish that she doesn't care what it looks like, or how it makes either me or her ex feel. Her ex wants her back, and she very clearly will not do that. She jokes with me about the things he says when trying to get her back. She doesn't care that her going over there gives him false hope, and she doesn't care that it makes me feel really weird. She wants to go somewhere, so she does it. And while she isn't cheating on me now, if she ever wanted to, she would do it, and she would only feel bad about it if she got caught. She is a narcissist, through and through. These issues are just the tip of it, though. I just don't have the patience to go into more detail.

Money

I have none. My wages have been garnished for hospital bills, and what little money I do have is spent on my girlfriend. My license has been revoked, and I have a warrant out for my arrest because I have not been able to pay to have my tags renewed for my license plate. If I get pulled over, I am going to jail. Because I have no money, and my girlfriend lives so far from me, I sit in my room weeknights with nothing to do. I have no television. I have no nearby friends.

Abbey and Her School

Abbey's teacher called CPS (Child Protective Services) on me because her lunch account keeps running out, and Abbey doesn't tell me about it for weeks. So, they give Abbey free lunch (it's not actually free. I still have to pay for it when the school finally tells me that she's out) and her teacher assumes that I'm a shit dad who doesn't feed my kid. I have told Abbey over and over to tell me when her lunch account is empty, but she doesn't, and I always forget how much time has passed. So, this morning I got to have CPS come and assess my apartment, and me to make sure that I am a suitable parent. That was embarrassing, and humiliating, and it just added whole new layer to the shit that is my life recently.

I'm not having a nervous breakdown. I'm not suicidal. I'm just living in constant disappointment, and desperation, and I fucking hate it.

So, there you go. I got to vent. That's my moodiness.