Up and Down and Shit
Posted 05-06-2013 at 12:51 PM by Nepsotic
Physically, I've been getting a lot better lately. I don't just sit in my room waiting for the day to end anymore. A few days ago I walked my dog down near the river, and then the next day I went to my friends house, he lives in the middle of nowhere in this enormous house.
Also today I went to Blackpool with my dad so that was nice.
So it seems that things are getting better. Only they aren't. Not mentally. I have this feeling of utter worthlessness and I genuinly don't actually know who I am. Like, a fucking retard. Sometimes on the verge of tears just because I can't make music and other reasons I don't fully understand.
Ironic really, it's all my fault.
It's getting really stupid. In the car on.the drive home my eye was twitching and I started to wonder "What happens if I gouge my eye out with a fork?" I started thinking about it in detail. "Hmm, I'd probably write a blog on.OWF begging for help. What should I do? I can't call the hospital, they'd lock me up! But it really hurts!" And that's when I realised just how low I am. The weirdest thing about it is that I actually started panicking properly as if it was real. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and man the fuck up! Sometimes it's like there's two people inside me, but the good, motivational one is always overpowered by the depressed, angry one. Hence why I keep writing these blogs, which are probably more annoying than Jbot's previous blog.
The educational psychologist referred me to a professional psychiatrist almost 2 months ago and I haven't heard back from her since.
I really need to put something lighthearted at the end of this blog because I'm such a depressing fucker.
Okay so here's something I was pondering: It's fact that everything you see is just a mask over what's really there. I mean, it is really all there but your viewing a recreation made by your mind. Like a videogame world of a real place. So what I was thinking was, what if only what you see exists? None of you are real, nothing is real. I promise it goes more in-depth than that but I can't explain it for shit so i'll let you all think about what it means.
