New Years Eve and Insanity

So it looks lime my parents are going to make me go up to spend NYE at my aunt and uncle's house with them, then staying the night and coming back sometime the next day. For a while they seemed fairly keen on me not going, partly because they'll have more fun without me and partly because they seem to want me to have friends almost as much as I do.

The original plan was for at least one of my similar aged male cousins to be up there. I was fairly close to them for years, but once they got cars I stopped seeing them. It could have been a good chance to catch up. My 14 yo female cousin will be there, and even worse she's having a friend over. I expect they'll disappear into her room and I'll barely see them, for better.

So now it looks like it will be my aunt, my uncle, my parents and I sitting around for a few hours. They will be drinking and having a great time. I will be sitting and smiling. It wouldn't be so bad, but I've been with them constantly since the 6th. I was sick for about a week, then I just haven't left the house much since. My mum doesn't work and my dad barely has to go into uni at this time of year, so to say they've been around is an understatement. Christmas day I was with them. The family gathering I went to yesterday I was with them. I even did my last minute Christmas shopping with my dad when he was doing his. Naturally they're getting a bit tiring. I can hear them from my room. I can hear them almost constantly talking. Our house is so small I just can't escape it. Sitting around with them for a few hours in someone else's house is going to be awful. If I get too uncomfortable I can't retreat into my room. I'm going to be stuck there with them.

The alternative is being home alone, which I'm not very keen on and it doesn't even look like my parents will let me stay. I haven't told them the above because I really don't know how my dad will react. If they still make me go it will still be uncomfortable, but they'll just feel worse when they see how little I enjoy myself.

If nothing else my parents have finally accepted that I don't really have friends, which was hard for them. I am the complete opposite of everything they were. My mum was terrible in school and dropped out of her last year to get a job. She was a big with parties and was "popular". My dad finished high-school, if only barely. He was on the footy team and was seemingly liked by everyone. They were a bit confused when my social life suddenly died at the beginning of last year. They've tried to pressure me to go out lots, giving the impression that they think I just wanted to do nothing. Now they've finally realised that nobody wants to spend time with me and they have no idea how to handle, so we just don't talk about it. It's not like they should. It's not like there's anything they can do. It's just one of those things that they can't relate to.

I always like to stop at the end of the year and look back at the last 12 months. Throughout the year I really thought I was doing well. I had lots of fun times and I really thought I was fixing things with people. I really thought everything was going to be different these holidays. I really though I was going to have friends.

This really has been a shit year. I have done nothing. I've let myself down so many times over such stupid, little things. I haven't even been bothered to get my learner's permit, which means that it's at least another year until I can start driving myself places. I'm still making progress with my music, but that's fallen flat in the last few weeks because I feel so dull and awful. I can't sound good because I can't feel like I want to sound good.

And still all I can do about anything is write these goddamn awful blogs.