UK Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is in hot water right now since leaked early drafts of a speech supporting gay marriage were found to refer to opponents as "bigots." The exact words, we are told, were: "continued trouble in the economy gives the bigots a stick to beat us with, as they demand we 'postpone' the equalities agenda in order to deal with 'the things people really care about'."
Such as former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey, who described the remarks as "very offensive."
And Colin Hart of the Coalition for Marriage, who called them "intolerant."
Conservative MP Peter Bone said "Nick Clegg has got to explain himself and apologise very rapidly," and called for his resignation, as usual.
On behalf of Mr Clegg, I have drafted such an apology.
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Firstly, I'd like to thank my colleagues for their prudence containing yesterday's gaff. I would not want them to think, later on, that their efforts go unappreciated
Yes, I did indeed use the word "bigot" to describe opponents of same-sex marriage in Monday's statements. It was an inappropriate word to use in a modern, enlightened government in the twenty-first century.
Indeed, it is my understanding that national governments in the modern age exist for the purpose of managing a country's external and internal affairs with the goal of promoting the welfare, interests and prosperity of the people it represents. So here I am, addressing those who use their positions of power and influence diligently in the effort to deny a substantial minority of their fellow citizens the same legal rights, equality and dignity they themselves enjoy. A minority targeted in this way for the very distinctions that make them a minority.
Of course, they have their civil partnerships. An entirely
separate but
equal institution from the marriage the rest of us enjoys.
And that's all absolutely fine, is it not? But when I call you on it with an insult made all the more scathing for its superlative accuracy, now
that's a step too far! "Apologise Mr Clegg! Return to the embrace of common decency!"
Well, when you put it like that, Mr Bone, may I humbly submit my apology.
I'm sorry. This doesn't seem to be satisfying you. Dare I suggest that perhaps you are somehow more offended than you were before? Oh dear. I do
apologise for any offence.
And I know a thing or two about offence. I'm offended as well, don't you know? Every day. I'm offended by you, by your beliefs, your motivations, your actions, your work and your presence here. I'm offended that people like you still exist in the world, let alone in an enlightened, developed nation of the
twenty-first fucking century. I'm offended that people like you manage to worm your way into public office with the intent of impeding the social justice of the very people you, sir, represent by your office. Perhaps I should ask for an apology too?
Perhaps not. I think your constituents have more cause to ask that of you than anyone.
You seem agitated, Mr Bone. Perhaps I should stop waving this crude hand gesture around?
That's better, isn't it Mr Bone? I'm sure I don't know what is upsetting you so. This must be quite tame from your perspective. There is nothing I can possibly say or do that can come close to the harm of your own toxic works. No one word or gesture that can match the mockery you have already made of Her Majesty's esteemed Parliament.
And if you don't agree with that, I'm sure we can both appreciate some good that has come from all this. It did, at least, get Mr Hart talking about intolerance. Which is progress of a kind.
Lord Carey, esteemed bigots of the back bench.
Mr Bone.
I cordially invite you to have a safe journey home, kiss your wife, retire to your bedroom, and fuck your own face.
Blow me, cocksuckers.
