Share opinions.
Posted 05-08-2012 at 02:42 AM by Flynx
Hey guys, my career dream is to be an author but I am not sure if i'm good enough, so I put one of my stories on here and you guys can add your opinions (Positive or Negative).
Here it is:
Once the village had been raided for the fifth time in just 3 days, the townsfolk had many town meetings about the dangers that lie in the destruction due to these raids. Children played in rubble and the women have been injured by trying to save the foolish children but the raiders didn’t care for these people. Many had died, a lot of deaths due to the war against the raiders but to no gain, the defensive walls busted, water source extinguished and food storage ransacked, no one had the modality to even try and ended up being killed but one small, 11 year old child had only two things from living that day, his life and his burning vengeance for all the marauders that destroyed his past.
The boy ran from the village in an attempt to get to the grand city of Dykom, the biggest and noblest city in the whole of Vysur. He ran till the Vysur hails pelted down making him find cover in a traveller's campsite. The woman at the site offered the boy some food but his shy nature refused, then the sound of the child's stomach growled making him take the offered food and bowed in thanks. The lady asked the child's name but he had already fallen asleep, it had been a long day for him she began to wonder and then rested herself.
The next morning awoke in a blazing sunrise; the kind woman had started some breakfast so the boy could continue his journey. She asked the boy during breakfast what his name was, he paused then shyly and quietly said "Argus Seplok". The lady was glad Argus shared that, he ate the food she provided, thanked her and left. She worried that night and stilled wondered why a child is venturing to the city.
Argus knew how long it will take to get to the city but the fact didn’t stop him. He balanced walking, eating, sleeping and other necessaries so he wouldn’t waste too much time. As it had been a year since he left his crumbling village, he hadn't realised his lack of funds at the time and he couldn't afford food. He tried pickpocketing and the success was limited, he had gained 149 monodallion then luck turned, being caught by a man who was of noble birth turned and grabbed Argus' thieving wrist and dragged him to his coach. The noble man demanded Argus to tell him the story for his thieving ways but nothing was said. He realised why Argus hadn't answered him, formalities were not used, the noble began by saying “I, Sir Duncan Gublin of the Gublin household and you may be?" Even after this Argus refused, Sir Duncan couldn’t stand being ignored and called for the guards waiting outside the coach. While this happened, the kind hearted lady from a year ago walked past and remembered Argus and convinced the Noble and his guards that the boy was her younger brother. Argus ran with her to her city home where she became curious of his whole life story of why he is in Dykom.
A new day awakes while an old night sleeps thought Argus but he kept these thoughts to himself but the lady always wanted to know what he thought about during his daydreaming moments. She served lunch and remembered she hadn't told the young boy her own name, while he fed his hunger she said her name but he wasn't listening. That whole day she tried to share her name to him but he was distracted by many things, she firmly grasped him and said "I forgot to tell you my name that day a year ago, so now I share it with you. My name is …". As she said that the door had been forced down and the marauders from Argus' village had returned. The lady, still with her name unknown to him, and Argus ran for their life, narrowly avoiding the crazed attackers. He had gotten annoyed with this and grabbed a fallen piece of wood and ran into the flaming building to defend his new home. The lady watched the flames and her house burn hoping the boy she was caring for was ok, then the roof caved in and many of the raiders evacuated but no sign of Argus. Tears rolled towards her cheek, the sound of a faint cough filled her ears. Running towards the sound she found Argus under a burnt timber beam. Argus looked at her brown hair, green, teary eyes and pale skin then passed out.
He came conscious to the sound of her voice, when she noticed him being awake; she hugged him tight and whispered in his ear "My name is Alicia". He smiled and with a weary voiced asked her age she gladly answered with 15. His smile grew then he fell asleep, she knew he needs rest so she tried pasting the time by reading poetry.
Sorry about it being 830 words. So comment on what I did that you liked or not.
