HO HO HOOOOO

First of all, and fuck knows I don't expect anyone to ever actually listen to these, listen to this song. Because it's called Snowman and it's snowing right now, dagnabbit!


So I was Santa.


Let me explain.

My family (that is, my extended family on my mother's side, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandmas, Fishing Boats, etc...) always get together on boxing day and have a huge Christmas party. There's a veritable Christmas feast packed with so much delicious, lovingly crafted food, a traditional 'men sit and watch sports and Swamp People while women cook' and a well-done Gift exchange. It is the epitome of Christmas. It's absolutely wonderful.

The Gift Exchange used to be the 'Chinese Gift Exchange' wherein everyone would buy items of general value and select something in descending order or take something from someone else, which was fine until some of my cousins ruined it by being little shits.

So we went back to having someone dress up as Santa a few years ago. Usually the manly men of my family did it, Uncle Carpenter, Uncle Fisherman, Uncle Plumber, etc...

So I was surprised as hell to find that Grandma Matriarch had selected me to do it this year.

It was itchy and hot and smelled too much like vanilla pudding to actually be a 'brand new' santa outfit.

But it sure as hell was a lot of fun.

For one thing, out of the tangled branches of my family tree were shook many people, and the only one not old enough to know better was my little cousin Maddie, who is hilarious and adorable and actually kind of looks like Cindy-Lou Who. I'd post a picture but I don't want to.

Incidentally, her brother Mason (who is seven) was a little turd and immediately garbled 'Nyeeeerh, it's Simon! Myeehn, Simon!' out of his rotten, toothless gob.

Despite Tiny Turd humbugging my performance from the get-go Maddie brightened up when she me and it was overall very hilarious. Lots of jokes about how legitimately these people deserved their gifts, and a Santa voice that was definitely not ever meant to be used in conjunction with Santa made it a whole bunch of fun. I definitely hope they do it next year.

Overall, my Christmas was excellent. I spent the whole time feeling moody and shitty, but I got everything I asked for (and a lot lot LOT more) drank a ton of Egg Nog and spent plenty of time with Family. Unfortunately we didn't get a plip of snow until the 27th, but that's okay. It's snowing a whole bunch right now (to the point where my precarious drive home involved a road so snow-bedraggled that we were at several points driving on the wrong side for extended periods and not realizing it.



Also, I think I'm done with pot.

It's an alienating and miserable substance for me. I never voluntarily share it with people any more and always spend tons of time by myself accomplishing nothing when I do it. Music is still pretty good, so I'll probably keep a little around when I just need to gel, but I am a much funnier, much sharper and much better person when I'm clean of it. So there's that.