Cleaning my ears

This is particularly long. Just so you know.


I've been so goddamn fucking grumpy lately. My Paternal Grandma Connie (mentioned in several of my dogblogs) passed away little over a month ago, maybe a week or so after I got fired. She was extremely sick and it was her time. My dad spent the last few months by her side, and we're getting the family together for a memorial this Saturday.
Unfortunately Dad sent my mother this bastard email feigning worry about how his family might act around my mother, since they're separated, and now she feels too nervous to make an appearance, something I think my Grandmother would have been immensely annoyed with (the email itself, not the not-showing-up). This is after several months of him trying to make me think he's made nice and is not the pure greedy fuckwad he always was. Too bad when I worked on his accursed coffee truck during the Summer one of his other employees spilled the beans on how he shouts down his current 'girlfriend' and is rapidly depleting her savings, therefore has not changed at all. Pair that with a cluster of other miserable emails sent to my sisters for even more ridiculous reasons and I'm stuck trying not to yell at him (possibly in a grocery store, for some reason I still think that's funny) whenever I talk to him.

My dad has adopted (or maybe he's always had it) a bizarre philosophy that you can't control what other people think or say about you. You literally have no control over that, so if I revile him for being an abusive reptile, well, that's my fault. He doesn't back this up with anything. He just says it to justify being a putrid human being. At one point he tried explaining that it had something to do with the psychosocial nature of Chimpanzees. I hung the phone up on him. And hit some of the less-fragile doors in my house. I should do an image gallery of all the ruined doors in here.

In other news, I'm moving out in January. Taking a class in Ottawa (Canada's fortified hardy military epicentre) for Bartending. It's a cheap course and two of my other friends are also taking it. We're moving in together, we just need a collective break. It will be a good time.

I planned on having a quiet weekend to myself, writing or walking or something, but on Friday night I got a text message from a friend saying he was stranded in Belleville with another stinky friend. In real life I'm a pretty nice person and so I told them they could come over to my house for a little while to wait for a ride, but had to clear out by 9:00. They stayed for TWO FUCKING DAYS before I got it together and told them I was utterly sick of them and their Skyrim and booted them out. But not before they drank two bottles of wine and had the fucking nerve to beg me to buy cigarettes. I did not. I was promised 40$ payback, haven't gotten it. I have some shitty-ass friends, but maybe growing a backbone would help me out the slightest bit too.

This past week I tried Psylocibin (Psilocybin? Whatever) mushrooms. I will tell you the two things I know about 'shrooms: Don't take too many or you'll puke and it's better to be outside. I did them at a friend's apartment and when I made the argument to them that I really needed to go for a walk (because I was starting to feel really bad in the confined space, or something) the apartment holder said something along the lines of 'Mushrooms outside? That sounds AWFUL.' This is also a girl who gave me a burn on my forearm earlier in the week because I asked for and then grabbed a cookie from a pan she was holding. This was deliberate on her part.

Additionally, I made another friend have a nervous breakdown because I snapped at him for not passing a bag of substance that was mine to the person I had politely asked him to pass it to. When I asked him again, he didn't and questioned why I asked him to. Then I raised my voice slightly and firmly told him to pass it to her. He said "That sounds like fake anger to me." Ooooooh.
Let me say at this point that I'm a significantly nicer person in real life. Really. I'm pretty calm and I only really get angry or raise my voice when I REALLY need to. I do shit that makes me miserable for the sake of some small, pitiable happiness delivered to my friends. See the Skyrim thread.
At this point, I was on drugs, desperately needed to go outside and the other three people in the apt. (Two playing Ragnorok Online, one on the couch beside the guy I was speaking with) were watching the two of us tensely. So I raised my voice louder, not quite yelling, but very, very commanding and aggressive and told him to pass it. He tried to raise another bizarre objection and I near-shouted him down and said "You will do it because I told you to do it. You will do what I say, when I say it. Give her the fucking bag, now."
I don't know if I was standing up or not, but it felt like I was looking down on something from a great distance. I felt a great disdain as the words erupted from my word-hole and really just wanted away from these agitators and thieves, with the peace of mind that my one friend wasn't going to take my drugs home for himself.
This would not be so troubling if I hadn't done the same thing to a child later in the week.

I had some fillings put in on thursday, came out of the dentist feeling like my mouth was still full of needles and passed the ugliest group of children I'd ever seen. All between 12 and 15, all just, bad. I nodded a hello and passed them.
And then one of them said 'HI HARRY POTTER' to my back, and I completely lost my shit. To explain, I hadn't worn my hat and the wind had kicked my hair up, and I have a pair of old-looking, round glasses I like to wear. It was the dumbest insult I've ever heard.
I turned around, barked an 'excuse me?' and got close enough to make him step back. I'm not bragging when I say I could have punched him or something and immediately drop him. He was a child, a stupid ugly one, but a child. I called him a shit, a shit in my cut, a piece of shit and much saliva flew with each 'sh' he was taken aback and distraughtly said he was just saying hi. I told him to shut the fuck up. A damn kid. Ugh.

For clarity, he was doing it to be a shit. To impress his gangly friends. But I was not having any of it with tooth-blood still on my tongue and numb gums. I need to occupy myself with something. I'm getting horribly angry at nothing.

So I decided to clean my ears.
Cleaning your ears is simple. Step 1, don't use a q-tip. That is a mistake. Step 2, dump hydrogen peroxide into your ears and listen to it sizzle. Step 3, lie on your side or tilt your head like a baboon for 5 minutes to burn away all of the putrid wax. Step 4 feel better.

And I do. I felt immensely happy today. Anything combative or dickish was typed with a big smile behind it. But it's not enough. I need a job, and fast. Christmas is in a month and I just realized I haven't had a job for 6 weeks. Fucking moronic.