Long night in the ER, take two.

It's two in the morning, and the ER is dead. Not literally of course, but people are coming in like old people fuck.

You know...Uh, not very often.

I'm sitting at the nurses station playing Uno with a few co workers when all of the sudden we hear the distant cry of an ambulance siren. As it gets louder, we all start to tense up. It's almost go time, and we're ready.

Louder. Louder. Then nothing. Then it's distant. Then louder again. Then distant. Five minutes go by, and there's still nothing. I check my radio to make sure it's working, as I haven't heard a peep from any EMT's about any inbound patients.

It's functioning, so I clip it back onto the pocket of my scrubs and get back to the card game.


We're playing for money.


I'm down to one card, and right as I slam my card down on the table and start to shout 'Uno!', there's a loud bang. Curious, we went outside to see what it was. Well, all but mitch. Mitch has been an ER nurse for over twenty five years, so nothing really surprises him anymore. Or interests him. He's kind of dead inside.

We get outside to see that an ambulance has apparently knicked a fire hydrant in the absolute worst possible way, as it's now lying on its side. The fire hydrant is broken, and water is spraying in a large arch across the over-turned bus and street.

The three of us stood there for about twenty seconds before it set in. That twenty seconds seemed like ten years. Finally, we all run across the street to check on the EMT crew and any patients that may be in the back.

I check the back first, because anyone that drives an ambulance for a living is one tough cookie. I manage to get one of the doors open, and to my surprise, the only thing I saw in the mess of broken medical equipment and spilled supplies was a large supply of empty beer cans.

"Fuck.", I say.

Jenny tells me to get up front, and to hustle. I jog around to the front of the ambulance, and she's standing there looking utterly disgusted. She's also fighting back tears. And silently laughing. Confused, I look into the drivers seat. There, smashed against his friend because of the accident, is a very drunk kid. He turned out to be 16.

Long story short? He and his friend got drunk with a few girls. Someone called 911 as a joke, and when the EMTs showed up, [undoubtedly pissed once they realized that there was no emergency] they started giving the boys a tongue lashing.

Apparently the girls started making fun of the two boys, because they took it upon themselves to beat the snot out of the EMT's, who, at this point, had already been on the clock for over fifteen hours. The kids then grabbed what was left of the beer, which, judging by the empties, was a lot, tossed it in the ambulance and went for a joy ride.

Once they had their fill, and were going to drop it off in front of the hospital when the god damned fire hydrant jumped out in front of them.

Curious, I asked the more lucid of the two, "So if you were going to leave the bus with us, how were you going to get home?"

He said, "Bus? I wasn't driving no bus! You dumb!"

"Yes. Me dumb. Anyway, when I say 'bus', I mean the ambulance. It's an insiders term."

He shrugged and waited for the cops to take he and his friend away.


So while we waited, we all sat around the ER eating donuts and drinking coffee while swapping drunken adventure stories. Sadly, none of us had ever even thought of stealing an ambulance.

The EMT's were okay. After getting the shit kicked out of them they apparently just walked back to the station and passed out. Never told anyone what happened until we called them.

Another day, another dollar.