So WoF said I should blog more, and although I'm fairly certain he was being sarcastic, I've got some free time.
My brother Elvis was visiting us here in Washington for the Holidays, so we figured we'd all go out to Seattle with our now ex-friends Nik and Alex for a good time. Here's what happened:
First of all, Alex decided she wasn't going to go because she's not 21 and didn't feel confident in the fact that she wouldn't get carded. Never mind the fact that it's fucking New Years and she looks like she's 25, she just really doesn't want to go. More importantly, she doesn't want Nik to go.
Well Nik decides that he likes me more than her [again] and goes out anyway, so we decide to meet him at a microbrewery in some weird part of Seattle. One ferry ride and four bus transfes and a mile walk later, and we finally make it. Of course by this time, Nik is already in the bag. Which meant he was being arrogant and stupid at the same time. Funny for Dorian and I, strange for Elvis, who had never met him.
Oh, before I continue, I guess I should sort of explain some things about the people I'll be talking about since you know nothing about them:
Elvis:
Elvis and I aren't actually brothers, but we refer to each other as such. Because we've been best friends for so long both of our families have become close, and I love this man to death. He's sort of awkward, and way too sensitive, but he's really smart and one of the nicest and most generous people I've ever met. He sort of balances me out.
Nik:
I went to high school with Nik in California, and I fucking
hated him. He was just an asshole. I usually like assholes, but there was just no rhyme or reason to his assholery. It was almost like there was something wrong with him. Anyway, I avoided the hell out of him for four years despite the fact that we had several mutual friends, graduated, and never thought of him again. Then I moved to Washington state, and so did he. We found out about each other, hung out, and actually got along. We both like to drink, so we'd check out a lot of microbreweries [which Washington state is fairly famous for] and discuss Ales and food pairings. Other than that, there wasn't much there. He was pretentious, an uber hipster, and incredibly insecure.
Alex:
Uh, I guess I don't have a picture. Anyway, I really liked Alex. She was mean spirited, didn't take shit from anyone [except Nik, sadly], tall, and fairly funny. The only problem was that she was even more insecure than Nik, which he exploited. Translation? He did whatever he wanted no matter how much it hurt her, they'd break up for a week [and keep living together] then get back together. Of course we'd usually be in the middle of it, and Dorian would be encouraging Alex to kick Nik out, because Dorian didn't like Nik, which would of course make Nik irritated with me.
Okay, I think that's our cast of characters, back to the brewery..
So we're there, Nik is pretty much sloshed and acting like an idiot, and we settle down to our first pints. The nice thing about Nik is that when he's
not being a moron he can actually be pretty charming, and he somehow managed to get in good with the owner of the brewery before we got there, so we were getting full pints in lieu of tasters [in case you're not familiar with ale houses/breweries, you can typically request a taster, which is about the size of a shot glass, before you commit to a pint of an unfamiliar brew. Typically free], so we were essentially drinking for free. Good ales, and a lot of laughs. At first.
Then Alex started calling, and Nik refused to talk to her. Finally Dorian snags the phone from him before he can hang up, and Alex informs her that he was only supposed to meet us for one beer, then come back home. Since we had been there, he's had four. I have no idea how many he's had prior to our arrival. I hop on the phone and tell Alex that Nik is already drunk, and she just gets
pissed. I don't know why I caught so much of it, so I just end up hanging up on her.
So Nik goes on this rambling tirade about how Alex is a 'stupid bitch', and how he not only cheats on her constantly, but actually just took some money from her savings account to buy a plane ticket to upstate New York so he can move in with some broad he's been secretly chatting with online. I look at Dorian, and her face is just one giant black cloud. I look at Elvis, and he looks cross eyed. Then I remember Elvis can't drink for shit, and laugh, which makes Dorian even angrier because she thinks I'm laughing at what Nik is doing, so she punches the hell out of my ribs, which sends me into this weird coughing fit that turned into the hiccups.
The hiccups lasted the rest of the night.
So anyway, Elvis, being sensitive, finally tunes into the conversation and tells Nik that what he's doing is wrong, and Dorian agrees. Nik expects this kind of reaction from Dorian, and he knows that if he's anything but nice to her I'll fucking end him, so he sets his sights on Elvis. Not only is Elvis not prepared for it, but the shit Nik is launching at him is completely random. Some highlights include, "What do you even know about beer, FAGGOT?" and "You probably don't even have a car" He does. Nik doesn't. It was just random, and would have been funny had there not been so much venom behind it.
Now ordinarily I would have been like, "Alright, fuck it, let's go", but getting there hadn't been easy, and the night was young. So I make Nik apologize and we decide to go bar hopping.
Big Mistake.
First Nik wants us to go to this other brewery/grill, but it's apparently been rented out for a wedding reception. There's an employee standing outside with a guest list, and Nik knocks it out of his hand and just blows right in. I apologize like ten times as I jog past, and pull Nik out just as he's literally taking the drink away from a reception goers mouth so he can drink it himself.
Next place we go to is called George and The Dragon, and it's an English Pub. I fucking
hate english pubs, and Nik knows this. Part of it has to do with the decor, another with the shitty tap selection, and the rest having to do with my Irish pride. But I swallow it and we grab a corner table by the billiards. Meanwhile Dorian is grilling Nik about this mystery girl in NY, who Nik keeps saying 'has tits for days', and finally shows Dorian the e-mail correspondence on his iphone. Dorian is even less thrilled, and I know her well enough to see she's formulating some kind of plan.
So, I'm nursing a beer, enjoying my buzz, and Nik and Elvis have decided they're in love. The more they drink, the more homoerotic they become. Dorian and I were waiting for them to kiss at one point, but I finally separated them. They keep doing whiskey shots, and then getting mad at me when I won't join in [I was raised on the 'beer before liquor, never been sicker' mantra].
So we're in an English Pub, Dorian is pissed at Nik, I'm irritated about where we are and as a result keep stepping out to go smoke, and Elvis and Nik are practically jerking each other off under the table:
When I come back in from my most recent smoke with Dorian I find out that some Frat Bros [one of which has a terrible pedo'stache, hopefully ironic], has started a game on the pool table that's adjacent to the table we're sitting at. No big deal, not at all. Well, that's where I was wrong. Nik and Elvis are throwing a fucking hissy fit of
epic proportions. The bros can hear them, but I keep shooting them looks and shaking my head apologetically, you know, the international bar sign of, "Ignore my friends, they're drunk morons".
So Nik hears me refer to one as "the guy with the pedophile mustache" when talking about how badly he was playing pool, and Nik starts openly calling the guy a pedophile. Loudly. Across the bar. Naturally, the guy didn't take kindly to this. So what does Nik do? Fucking hides behind me, expecting me to trounce the guy. Didn't happen. I diffused the situation, and told Nik he needed to shut the fuck up. At this point, the broad who was tending bar cut Nik off. Good.
So we're just sitting there ignoring Nik, when Elvis leaps up and goes to the bar, asking for two shots of whiskey. The bartender tells him that she can't serve Nik another shot, and he tells her, "Oh no no no
NO! The second shot is for my brother David, it's okay!" So she agrees. Of course as soon as she turns her back to grab the whiskey and shot glasses, Nik fucking DROPS to the floor and army-crawls to the bar, and as soon as she sets the shots down on the bar, Nik pops up, does both of them, and tries to run away.
Tries. As best we could tell, he tripped over air. So the bartender is pissed at best, and says, "Now you can all get the
fuck out of here." The upside? Elvis didn't have to pay for those shots.
So what do we do? Go to the bar across the street. Even bigger mistake, because despite the fact that Elvis and Nik are so drunk they've fallen out of their bar stools [which have backs] a whopping three times, the guys tending bar are serving them. Maybe it's because they're having a slow night, or maybe it's because they just want to see what happens, but it's probably because they know Dorian and I are going to have to babysit these idiots for the duration of the evening.
I finally talk the guys into only giving Nik water [after tipping him $20, dick] and Elvis disappears into the restroom. Five minutes go by, and he's still there.
Then...BANG BANG BANG BANG
It sounds like someone is playing the drums in the fucking toilet. So one of the bartenders says, "Er, I'll go check on your friend. Sit tight", grabs a bat, and goes in after Elvis. He comes out helping Elvis walk, and Elvis is carrying his left shoe, plus his left pant leg is soaked up to the knee. Apparently he was pissing [using the stall, not the urinal] then went to use the flush handle with his foot, when due to his poor balance and stupidity, his foot slipped off and landed in the toilet. He claims that the toilet flushed right when his foot went in and got sucked half way down the pipe, which is when he started banging on the stall wall. Although the bartender says that when he came in to get him Elvis was just standing there with his foot in the toilet, supporting himself on the wall, head hung in shame.
They kicked us out after that.
So we walk up the street to a 7 11, where we try to call a cab to get Nik home. Nik is so drunk that once the cabs get there, the cabbies refuse to let him in and leave. So we sit there for over an hour. Of course Elvis and Nik are gaying it up the entire time, and then Nik tells us he has to piss. 7 11 won't let him inside to use their restroom, so I walk him around the corner to a privacy hedge at the edge of someones property and tell him to have at it. He can't stand up on his own at this point, so I agree to support him while he does his thing.
Well, he can't get his pants undone. Too drunk, he says. So, being the nice guy I am, I help him out. Since it's January in Wa., he's wearing long johns underneath. And long Johns, just like regular underwear, have a fly in the front, so I tell him, okay man, whip it out and spray away. He can't. He fumbles for like ten minutes and just can't get it.
At this point he looks at me with more desperation in his eyes than I've ever seen in my life, and says "Dave, will you take my dick out for me...Please? I don't want to piss myself."
I refused. Friends or not, I won't be touching your penis. I've touched hundreds, if not thousands of penii in the medical field, but not one of them has belonged to a friend. Well, out of nowhere pops Elvis, who says he's happy to help, and he actually reaches for the fly. If dick was Elvis' thing I wouldn't have been intervening all evening, but I know him well enough to know he's just being drunk and weird, so I call Dorian over and get her to take Elvis into the store. I then pull Nik's pants down a little, and have him pull his long johns down a bit, and tell him "Okay, go over the fence, just like when you were a kid." He does, but now we can't get his pants back up because he's a hipster and wears the skinniest of skinny jeans. Plus it's like 18 F and I'm not wearing gloves, so my hands aren't working so well.
So Nik's pants are now pretty much half off, he's totally incoherent and almost unconscious, and we still can't get a fucking cab:
Eventually we get one, and I tell him that Dorian and I will ride in the back with Nik, and I'll have a 7 11 bag at the ready in case Nik hurls. He's some pissy armenian who grumbles that if a drop of puke touches the seat we'll pay a $300 cleaning fee, and I tell him fine, sure, great.
So we tell him where to go and how to get there, but he of course takes the longest way possible. When we get to Nik's place and get everyone out of the cab Alex is outside waiting for us, and we all go with her to help get Nik into bed. We pull it off without incident, and once he's in bed I tell him he's an asshole and he needs to be nicer to women, especially Alex. She looks like she's going to cry. What's his response? "Fuck her". I slapped him. Hard.
For the record, I have very large hands. My hand is about the size of his face, so the slap covered a lot of area. I don't know if he went to sleep or if I helped ease him into unconsciousness, but he was quiet after that.
Then we realize Elvis is gone. So I go out into the hall to find him, and Dorian stays with Alex. When I find Elvis, he's at the Apartment complex mailbox, stealing mail and jamming it into his pockets. I don't even ask why. I just drag him outside.
Apparently Dorian is showing Alex all of the e-mails, as well as telling her everything Nik said.
So we catch a cab back to the ferry terminal, and Elvis decides he's going to ride in the front seat of the cab. The cabbie is a woman, and Elvis keeps putting his head on her shoulder and singing to her. She hates it.
When we get to the terminal we realize the next ferry doesn't leave for over an hour, so we go downstairs to McDonald's to eat/wait. Elvis orders like 6 chicken sandwiches and cheeseburgers, and proceeds to drop most of each sandwich on the floor. He then tells me he needs to puke, so I take him to the restroom. So there he is kneeling in front of the toilet in mcdonald's, dry heaving, and I've had enough. I want my wife.
So I go out to Dorian, buy her a coffee, apologize, and we sit and hold hands. Then we both realize it's been a while and still no elvis. I'm afraid he's put something else in the toilet, so I go check on him, and he's right where I left him, only now he's crying. He's frustrated because he can't puke, and tells me, "I can't do it...I can't..I just...Man..You might as well fuck me in the ass!"
"
What?"
"Go ahead, right now, do it!" and then he starts to pull down the back of his pants. At this point I shoved his face
into the toilet, told him to man the fuck up, and come outside and eat a cheeseburger, because no one was fucking anyone's ass. He sobbed and apologized.
So, yeah, my New Years fucking sucked.
Oh, and Nik and Alex are still together. I refuse to talk to either of them, but Dorian sort of talks to Alex through facebook. Sometimes. The new years thing didn't end our friendship, because Nik said he realized that what he did was wrong, but two months later Alex caught him talking to the same girl again.
They're still together, and I just can't have that kind of bullshit bleeding into my life.
