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Posted 03-23-2011 at 04:53 AM by Nemo
Took two of my pills. Laid in bed for two hours, couldn't sleep at all.

I shouldn't've done my real estate homework. I don't give a shit if it's do tomorrow, and it took an hour to do. I should've just gone to bed when I was tired. Now it's almost 5 AM and I have to be up soon to go to class.

I feel like I'm going to wake up and find out I'm the only person in this city. Like the town will just be covered in a fog, and I'll be forced to wander around, looking through abandoned cars, trying to figure out just what the fuck is going on.

Shit's changing for me. Changing hard. I'm eating more than usual. I think I had... Six meals in the past two days? That's three times more than I would've had a week ago.

I'm losing track of time though. It feels like just yesterday that I went up to the coast, but that happened a month ago. But it feels like months ago that I went to class last week.

I kind of want to write. I just want to get a bunch of notebooks and fill them up with nothing important. But all I have is one blank page left in my one notebook, and I use it to write down fucking sheet music to a song that I won't even listen to for a while. Just god fucking damn it.

It feels like I can't control anything I want or do right now. If I try to think, "why am I doing this," I invariably just think "fuck it" and do it anyways. I tried to go to bed early tonight, but after taking one pill, I ended up staying awake. And after taking another, I just laid in bed for two hours, thinking. And I've been sleeping longer on top of it.

I just want to get out of this, but I can't. Nothing's moving, nothing is going forward. It's like trying to watch machinery work even though it's covered in some sort of thick goo.

tldr; I'm slowly going insane again and it doesn't even matter because no one will read anything I post and take it seriously
Posted in Life
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Total Comments 19

Comments
It's kind of infuriating because the only place I feel that I'm safe enough to say this kind of stuff to will never actually listen to it. If I told this to my family, I'd end up just convincing them that therapy would be best for me.

If I told this to my friends, they'd just tell me "what else is new," or interrupt me by talking about themselves.

Is it so much to ask that someone just listens to me? I know I'm never very interesting, and that my troubles aren't as big as I'd make them out to be, but I'd just like to know that someone actually recognizes that I'm having issues here.

But maybe I'm just overstating what a friend should mean. Maybe my cynical ideas are right, and people really are just in this as long as it doesn't inconvenience them?

I really hope not.
Posted 03-23-2011 at 04:59 AM by Nemo

And all the meanwhile I have to put on a fucking mask around my family. Make smalltalk, laugh at jokes, share issues like my sweatpants having too long of legs, or how that test in class was a bit difficult.

I just want to yell that it's all a fucking facade. I don't give a shit about you or your fucking midterms. Go to hell, you fuck.
Posted 03-23-2011 at 05:06 AM by Nemo

And I just mispelled frequent as freakuent. Thanks a lot, subconscious, you can go fuck yourself.
Posted 03-23-2011 at 05:11 AM by Nemo

Dynamithix's Avatar
Wow.
Posted 03-23-2011 at 06:13 AM by Dynamithix

Disgruntled Intern's Avatar
Your blogs are getting better.
Posted 03-23-2011 at 08:51 AM by Disgruntled Intern

STM's Avatar
Then speak out and do something awesome.
Posted 03-23-2011 at 10:40 AM by STM

Pilot's Avatar
I hate stuff.
Posted 03-23-2011 at 02:42 PM by Pilot

The most exciting thing in my life right now is finding out whether or not I can have the bacon in the freezer.
Posted 03-24-2011 at 05:22 AM by Nemo

shaman's Avatar
Oh god i hope so.
Posted 03-24-2011 at 06:06 AM by shaman

MeechMunchie's Avatar
drugs are bad mmkay
Posted 03-24-2011 at 12:23 PM by MeechMunchie

My friend thinks I'm clinically depressed. Naturally, I think I'm not.

When I think I'm clinically depressed, my friends always disagree with me, saying that I'm usually very happy. This usually ends up making me even more depressed because it feels like none of them understand what I'm going through.

And the kicker is that the reason why they think I'm happy is because I don't feel like I can confide in them with my depression because they'll just disagree with it, so I don't talk with them about my depression. So they never see how I'm feeling and they assume I don't feel like how I tell them I feel.

I just don't give a shit and I don't have time for this anymore.
Posted 03-25-2011 at 09:39 AM by Nemo

Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Do you go for walks? Not bigass city-straddling walks, but little jaunts because you're bored?
Posted 03-25-2011 at 05:44 PM by Mac Sirloin

I live in a rundown shit-hole with nothing but gangsters, meth heads, potheads, and poor people.

I'm not really in the mood to get mugged.
Posted 03-26-2011 at 03:46 AM by Nemo

STM's Avatar
Fucking hell. Don't carry money on you then. I can't stand self pity, I'm on and off depression most days and there are lots of people on this forum who suffer bouts of depression as well. Grip life by the balls, do something you enjoy, play a sport, learn to play the banjo, go camping with mates or something. Why not go to a night club and dance, meet a girl.
Posted 03-26-2011 at 04:57 AM by STM

enchilado's Avatar
I met a girl once.
Posted 03-26-2011 at 05:49 AM by enchilado

Ridg3's Avatar
She was the cause of his depression.
Posted 03-26-2011 at 06:32 AM by Ridg3

STM's Avatar
Lordy
Posted 03-26-2011 at 11:15 AM by STM

I don't think Christina was the cause of my bit of depression three days ago. While it sucks that she doesn't remember me, I knew that that was probably going to happen, and I tried to prepare myself for it.


I'm feeling better now that I have 5 or 10 or so strips of bacon in my stomach.
Posted 03-26-2011 at 07:07 PM by Nemo

STM's Avatar
Well it is well known that bacon is the cure of all ailments!
Posted 03-27-2011 at 04:48 AM by STM

 

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