Further Developements

April dropped Abbey off to me on Saturday, and we sat down to have a long conversation. I told her about all of the things that I've put in motion while she was away from me. I've gotten my drivers license, I'm buying a car either today or tomorrow, I have a meeting set up to go back to school, and I've registered for anger management classes. I also informed her that I am going to let the house go, and move in with my stepdad. I begged her not to see that as a copout, as the easy way out. Because it's not. It was the hardest of all the decisions I had to make. More than anything, I want to have a place that she can come to when she wants to see me. A place where I can open the door, grab her into my arms, and we can be alone together. And I don't mean for sex. I mean, just for us to be alone.

We talked about everything that was wrong with our relationship, and we also talked about the things that were right. I asked her not to give up on me, not to give up on us. She said that she won't. I told her that at first, I was convinced that she doesn't love me anymore. But now that I can see the expression on her face, and hear the emotion in her voice, I am convinced that she does love me, and not just as the father of her child, but that she isn't sure if she can trust me with that love. I asked her if that was the truth, and through tears she told me that it was. I told her that if it isn't, she should tell me. She told me that it is. We held each other. We held each other fiercely, clinging to each other and crying.

After a little over an hour, she left. Abbey and I played, and had a really good time, but as the hours went by I began to worry. Sure, she felt her love for me when she was here, but will she start second guessing everything once she was no longer in my physical presence? I still couldn't eat. I've lost nine pounds since she left me a week ago. I still couldn't sleep. I got up the next day, and tried to have as much fun as I could with Abbey, but I was still very weepy. Abbey kept asking me why I was crying, and I would tell her that it's because I love her so much. She told me that I shouldn't cry if I love her. She told me to just love her.

When April came to pick her up we talked again. She assured me that she did not regret anything that we talked about. We talked further, and both of us expressed that we want to spend the rest of our lives together as long as we make the changes that we need to make. I explained that there has never been another woman that I have ever met in my life so far that I felt that I could share my life with other than her. I have never betrayed our love, and I have never had any desire to do so. I then told her that if she wants to be rid of me she is going to have to tell me to fuck off, because I will follow her for the rest of my life if she doesn't, and even if she does tell me to fuck off I will still follow her for a while just to be sure. That made her laugh. We held each other some more, and got Abbey ready to go.

A few hours after they left, I was watching tv, and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was hungry. Fuck that. I was starving. I ran to the fridge, found some left over pizza, and ate it like a dying man. I felt some strength returning. That night, I went to bed, fell asleep around 12:00, and didn't wake up until 5 to 8. I'm becoming a functional human being again. And I owe it all to the beautiful woman who, despite everything, would not give up on me. I can be happy again.