Fuck Pets

Sorry to disappoint Havoc, but this is not a blog about fucking your pets.

My cat Mao-Mao (yes, that's his name) pissed on my bed for the second time since I moved here some months ago. For those of you who don't know, cat piss is not like dog piss which is somewhat innocuous. Cat piss has one of the most pungent, horrible odors ever emitted from any animal anywhere. Worst part is, it's damn near impossible to get the smell out permanently.

After my usual hour long cleaning regimen, I climb into bed only to realize how badly it smells. I flick on the lights and sure enough there's a big fucking stain eating a hole into my mattress, soaked through the comforter, the sheets, into the fucking springbed itself.
Its now 1 am, I'm tired, and I want nothing more than to get some fucking shut-eye. My first thought is to flip the mattress over, but oh wait, he pissed on that side a few months back too. So I have no choice but to scrub the mattress rigorously and Fabreeze the hell out of it for half an hour. The companionship that cat gives me, or any of the pets in my lifetime for that matter, is not worth all the shit (literally) that you have to put up with to keep them.

Ever since I was young, my family has never had less than two dogs, two cats, and at least one "aquarium" animal.
Tallying up all the damaged furniture, soiled carpets, dirtied blankets, and table legs the fuckers have cost us; we've thrown out somewhere in the vicinity of over 5k worth, and spent at least 1k on fixing/replacing things they've destroyed. Not to mention the constant cleaning of dander, and having to utilize scented candles and air fresheners on a daily basis just to make the air breathable.

It's not even that the cat didn't know how to use the litter box, he was marking his territory. He pisses there once, and he thinks it's his room, and takes every opportunity to remind me by pissing again and again. For a while I managed to just keep the door closed, but the doorknob broke a few weeks ago and it's one of those ancient ones that can't be fixed with any post-bronze age tools. My only option would be to replace the entire door opening mechanism, which isn't in my budget at the moment.

Though they never showed any emotional attachment to me, I still much preferred the aquarium pets. I had a toad that I found in a junkyard for damn near a decade. It never pissed on my bed, made me sneeze, or cost me thousands of dollars worth of damage to a valuable commodity. I had to feed it crickets once a week and make sure it had enough water. After he died, I kept hermit crabs. I could watch them do nothing for hours and it was still more fucking fascinating than playing fetch with Rover.

TLDR:
Hairy pets - that includes cats, dogs, ferrets, hamsters, spider monkeys, kinkajous, squirrels, elk, bandersnatches, ocelots, or hobos - cannot pay for the things they ruin with companionship and are not worth it.

Fuck it. I'm getting a ball python.