Not bad for an hour's work

I've spent the last two days mostly in bed. In part because I just couldn't face being awake, in part because said being in bed meant I didn't eat much and was low on energy. I have a presentation tomorrow that I've put no effort into. I'm not sure whether this is a cause or a consequence of the being in bed a lot. Certainly if I'd have done the work at the right time, I wouldn't have slipped into this depression.

I told myself this year would be different, that I'd summon the drive and motivation to perform well at uni, but I told myself that last year, and I ended up with resit exams. I was only given passes for them, and for that academic year, because of extenuating circumstances. For a while I even convinced myself I could act as a landlord, letting my dad's house while studying halfway across the country. Well the same lack of drive nipped that possibility in the bud.

But unlike last year, this year is different for two reasons. The first is that this is my final year. I only need to get through this year to earn my degree, and this year's modules count double towards my final degree classification. The second reason is that it's my first year knowing my dad was proud of me for going to university, for taking the opportunities he never did. He never told me this.

My dad was smart. IQ approaching 150 at the age of 12, or something like that. Consequently, despite easily getting into the upper tier of the schooling system that existed at the time, he got bored and dropped out. He later tried to get a qualification as a child psychologist but quit because he didn't get on with the teacher. He got by doing odd jobs for people: landscaping, plumbing, electrics, redecorating, all came easy to him. To my knowledge, he only had two accidents from all this. Once falling a bit off a ladder, and once having a circular saw fly into his head. I came home one day and he had bloody cotton wool covering a huge insision in his head. He was so fucking lucky that day.

But his main work ended up being his book dealing, which expanded with dismal success into antique dealing and house clearance. Once I'd gone to uni and mum had left, every room in the house, including the garage, became storage space for large amounts of crap he was planning to repair and sell. Turnover was slow. Profit never covered bills. My dad was perfectly happy to just barely scrape by because he couldn't be bothered to put the effort in.

I say happy, but as we've established he never particularly expressed his thoughts and feelings. Which is an inheritance that's severely limited my social development throughout life, incidentally.

So I know exactly what happens when a smart person doesn't put the effort into anything in life. And I've spent time doing menial, unskilled work to pay penance for my prior laziness. I certainly don't want to do that again, not as a long-term thing. I know all the tips and tricks to aid study, I know that I find it difficult due to lack of practice, and that the only way to overcome the discomfort and lack of confidence is to get on and do it.

But this is all circular. How do I get onto this goddamn circle in the first place? Or if I'm already on it, how do I get it moving? I have every reason to, I just... CBA.

Apparently my cats are well and settled into their new foster home, which is a small comfort. Especially since the shitty market means my mum can't sell her flat for enough money to move into a place big enough for them plus me.

So there went one hour I could have spent on the presentation.