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12-20-2006, 05:20 PM
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Corporate Espionage
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: May 2001
: ಠ_ಠ
: 2,060
Rep Power: 25
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Ok guys. This’ll be the last part of the n00b wars; at least, I’m hoping that’s the case. And thanks for the comments, once again.
Let’s go.
***
Mitsur dashed to the storage area, the other members of OWF running behind him. He reached the door marked STUFF WE HAVEN’T USED IN FOREVER. He pulled the door open, and stepped inside, and gasped. Boxes were in a never-ending pile. It would take years to find the D&D box.
Havoc stopped behind him, and gapped.
“Wow. I’ve never seen so much crap.” He said. Mitsur nodded dumbly.
“Yeah. Maybe your collection of tiger paraphernalia is half that big.”
SeaRex ran up. “Are you guys thinking that this’ll take forever?” he asked impatiently.
“Um…yeah.” Mitsur said. SeaRex sighed, and shook his head.
“You guys still haven’t discovered the wonders of the search engine yet, have you?” He pulled out a handheld fan, marked OWF SEARCH ENGINE on it.
“Hey, I wondered why that was always in my pocket! But how does it work?” Jordan asked, jogging up and panting heavily.
“Ok, you input what you want here-” SeaRex said, pushing a few buttons, and a small computer screen and keyboard popped out. He typed in GEEK STUFF into it, and hit the Power button. “-And then you just turn it on, and point it at the stuff you’re looking through. It blows away all the crap not in the search criteria.”
“Wait, wouldn’t that make everything even more cluttered? I mean, blowing stuff in all directions is not very-” Jordan was cut off in mid-sentence as the fan came on with an ear-splitting roar, blowing papers and boxes everywhere.
SeaRex yelled in triumph as assorted crap went everywhere. Everything, of course, except a bunch of large, dinghy boxes with the words GEEK STUFF written on it in grimy letters. Medieval weaponry stuffed them to the top.
Standing obliviously to the paper and cardboard littered all around him, SeaRex dashed up to the box, and picked it up, wincing a bit as the weapons inside poked through and stabbed his hands. He tossed it at Mitsur.
“Hot potato!!!”
“Oh, jeez!” Mitsur caught it, and tossed just as quickly to Havoc.
“Warm banana!”
“What the hell does that mea- oh crap!” Havoc caught it, and then tossed it to Jordan.
“Steamy corn!”
Jordan caught it, and winced as he got stabbed in multiple times in the arm. He passed it back to SeaRex.
“Tingly squash!”
“Hey, I already tossed this around!” SeaRex yelled as Al walked through the door.
“Al, catch!”
“Hey guys! I feel really good, and I think you all know wh- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Al caught the box in the face, and it bounced off, leaving it strangely un-cut.
“What was that for!?!?” Al yelled, rubbing his nose.
“Um, no reason. Just pass out those weapons.” SeaRex said. Gretin walked in, followed by Munch’s Master.
“Whoa, is that what we get to use? Bad-ass!” Gretin lifted out a mace and ball that looked spookily similar to Auron’s sword from FFX. Munch’s master lifted out a wooden staff. He started to laugh.
“Hah, like this thing really works…” He giggled, and pointed it at a box labeled OLD AND NOT SO TASTY’S KINDNESS. “Magic missile!” he yelled.
The end of the staff exploded, and a streak of white fire shot out. It hit the box, and the box vaporized instantly. Munch staggered back, stunned.
“Oh my god…it does work!” he gasped out.
“You idiot!” Jordan yelled. “Now it’s gone forever!” Mitsur put a calming hand on Jordan’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry,” Mitsur said. “It’ll eventually come back. I think.”
Jordan nodded sadly, and they all trooped out into the main entrance hall, where all the members were arming themselves.
Max had chosen a staff as well, and was muttering weird incantations under his breath. Bullet Magnet had a knife that looked more suited for spreading butter than slicing up n00bs. Rexy had taken a spear, and was practicing jabs. Mutual Friend had a stick with a sharp rock attached to it, which had been created during what Mitsur dimly remembered as the time they all had to chug a bottle of Listerine when they lost HP.
Goresplatter had picked up two blunt spoons and was swinging them around. Sapphire had a pointy stick. Spirrow was testing out a rather bent butter-knife. Splat had on shoes that shot out knifes when he clicked his heels together. Arxryl was holding what suspiciously looked like Audrey Jr., and Jordan was whipping a samurai sword around like a cheerleader’s baton. SeaRex actually had a cheerleader’s baton. Then Mitsur saw it shot out a jet of fire every time it slammed into something.
Dripik was presumably still out in Rupture Farms, and was totally un-involved. Al had a knife-wrist that was attached to a spring-clip, so it shot out whenever he punched. Alcar was holding what looked like Gandalf the White’s staff. Havoc brandished a stuffed tiger head. Snuzi had a bow and quiver of arrows.
Having no idea why everyone had a weird assortment of weapons, Mitsur grabbed a simple long sword. He tested the edge, and, satisfied, glanced up as Alcar once again stood at their head.
“OWF MEMBERS! IT IS TIME!” He yelled. Everyone gave out a war cry, ranging from “For Gilead!!”, “IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!!”, “Toga, toga, toga!!”, “BANZAI!!”, “logalogalogalogalog!!”, to “Remember the Alamo!!”, “Whooooo!!”, and finally “LEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOYYYYY JENKINSSSSS!!!”
Everyone charged into the staging area, and took up their places in the giant trench, as the sun inexplicitly came up.
The n00bs were waiting.
Both armies looked at each other. Then, it happened.
“OMFG KIL TEM ALL!!!1111!!11one!!111LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!”
The n00b army charged.
“Make ready!” Alcar yelled out. Everyone brought the weapons out. He started to jog up the line, as the wanna-be members got closer. He smacked each weapon with his staff as he jogged along.
“MEMBERS OF OWF – WE STAND HERE AT THE EDGE OF A KNIFE CALLED DESTINY. I ASK YOU – DO YOU WISH TO FALL ONTO THE BLADE, OR SLIP OFF OF IT? BECAUSE NOW IS THAT CHOICE. NOW IS THE TIME TO KILL OR BE KILLED! NO MERCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Alcar screamed it out, and they all charged.
The two armies collided with the force of a meteor. Mitsur’s mind went cold. It was now time to kill or be killed. He sidestepped a thrust from a n00b holding a hunting knife, and drove his sword through his chest.
“OMG HAX!” the n00b said before toppling over. Two n00bs rushed him, and he lopped off the head of one, but the other sliced Mitsur’s bicep before he could stab the other.
“OWNED LOLOLOLOLOLO-” it was cut off in mid lol at Havoc thrust the tiger head over the n00b’s own head and yanked. It ripped off, drenching both members in stupid juice.
“Needed some help?” Havoc asked with a bloody grin.
“Nah, just saving some for you.” Mitsur replied. He looked over the battlefield, the battle momentarily clear for him.
They had not lost a member yet. The n00bs were dying fast. Sapphire hit one in the head with her boot, then pushed the stick through its eye and killed it. Spirrow spread butter over one’s eyes, and it flailed around, blind, until he kicked it in the crotch so hard its head exploded. Goresplater had blunt-spoon’d one to death. Max was standing calmly, glancing through a book that dimly said 101 death-spells for dummies, and any n00b that came within ten feet of him was killed invisibly.
Splat was dodging like he was 007 in a firefight, which meant not dodging at all. He kept kicking them in the shins and running away, letting them bleed out. Arxryl was holding out Audrey Jr., which kept saying “Feed me!” and chopping n00bs happily. Jordan was using his sword like a nun chuck, and nobody could get within three meters of him, or become a separate person. SeaRex was doing some kind of cheerleader routine, burning n00bs to a crisp every time he yelled out a letter.
“Gimme a D!” whoosh, crackle crackle.
“Gimme an I!” Whomp. “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
“Gimme an E!” Whaaaaaa.
“What’s that spell!?”
“DIE!” A n00b yelled, unthinkingly.
“Right!” SeaRex said happily, and then toasted it.
Al was covering Snuzi, punching a n00b every time it tried to keep Snuzi from firing. Snuzi was shooting almost straight up, and it landed into a n00b’s skull every time.
Mitsur broke his eyes away from the member’s antics. The n00bs were still fighting like crazy people, and despair came into his face at the sheer amount of them. He started fending off attacks from n00bs, armed with wooden swords, their judo-chops, and the occasional verbal slashing.
“OMG LOL WTF ROFL HAX!!1111!!!!one!!!111!!!!!11!11!oneoeneoeneone!!111!! 1 /-\ 73/-/ 1337 lololololololoollol!”
Those hurt the most, and when Mitsur was about to be overrun with horrible spelling and grammar, hope came.
Alcar strode onto the battlefield like a jugernaught. He just walked calmly through the field, gesturing here and there, n00bs being blown backwards and landing fifteen feet away.
The Faceless One emerged from the n00b’s flank, striding toward Alcar. He was wearing the armor that looked suspiciously like that of Sauron. In his hand was The Witch King’s mace. On his finger was a gold band with red writing on it.
Oh, great. Mitsur thought. He’s a n00b AND a LOTR geek.
The Faceless One walked slowly, carefully. He was rushed by three OWF members, and he swung almost casually. It collided with all three, a poof of air rushed out as they were thrown backwards.
Alcar and The Faceless one approached each other, and then began to break into a jog. Then they sprinted. Both yelled out terrifying war cries. They gave off a fiery aura that made them look like meteors hurtling through the atmosphere.
“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
The two leaders crashed together, and both raised their weapons. They swung down.
“AAAAAAAAHHHH-rock, paper, scissors!!!” Alcar produced a rock, and The Faceless One produced paper.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!!” He raised his hands to his face, and a white steam rushed into him. The helmet exploded, revealing-
“My god!” Alcar gasped.
“YES!” Oddworld Master boomed, and lifted Alcar up.
“I should have known!” Mitsur yelled. “The LOTR rings obsession gave it away! That’s why you’ve come back; for revenge! I would, too, if everyone hated my topics and made me go away!”
He charged at him, but Alcar stopped him.
“No, Mitsur. We agreed. Whoever lost the rock paper scissors fight had to give up. Now, Oddworld Master, fulfill your bargain, be killed by the bargain-gods.”
"Wait," Havoc said slowly, "dosen't paper beat ro-" Havoc stopped as Alcar shot him a quick look.
Oddworld Master slumped…and nodded dejectedly.
“C’mon guys…let’s go.” He said, and gestured off. The fighting instantly stopped, and both armies looked up, stunned.
“U…u men u lawst?!?! OMFG HAX!!!!!111one1!1!!!” one n00b shouted.
Oddworld Master nodded sadly, and the n00bs slumped, and followed him back away into the desert. The members of OWF looked at each other incredulously, and Alcar raised a fist.
“I just knew he would pick paper! OWF, WE HAVE WON!!!”
"Hey!" Havoc yelled. "Paper beats rock! They won!"
"Don't tell them that! I managed to convince his that paper looses to rock before he left!" Alcar replied.
Al yelled, and ran to Rexy for victory smooches.
“Wow.” Havoc said into the silence. “That was anti-climantic.”
For a moment, everyone was silent once more, than everyone exploded in cheers. A round of “LEROY JENKINS!!” went around, and, laughing, almost everyone ran into the forums. Alcar and Mitsur stayed behind.
Mitsur gazed at the growing dust storm at the horizon, and spoke.
“You know, I almost feel kind of sorry for them.” Mitsur said. “They just want a good home.”
“Mitsur, you have to understand. They’ll never get what they want until they work for it. That’s why they attack forums like ours; they want it all the easy way.” Alcar said, and started in, then stopped and turned back. “You coming? Free drinks on me!”
“Sure, at least as long as you don’t try to cut my hair after three of Splat’s 007 martinis.” Mitsur replied, and they walked back into the OWF building, together. Mitsur looked up at the warm lights already being turned on, and smiled. Their home. My home.
Randomness and peace had returned to the forums.
***
OMG that’s the end?!
I can almost hear you guys yell it out. Don’t worry, don’t worry; it’s basically just on standby.
There will be a new OWF parody, I can almost guarantee it. I just thought that I’ve already got The Fated Five (or Fated Four if someone doesn’t post an applyment soon) soon, and this chapter seems to be a decent area to end the first one with a bang.
Well, it’s been a bit over a week, and I had a ton of fun writing this. I’m sorry to anyone who wanted to be in this but didn’t get a chance. I’ll try to get ya in next time!
Anyhow, I’d like to tell you all once again how much I loved writing this, and to thank you for making this trek with me into the depths of imagination. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did.
Sincerely,
Mitsur
P.S. By all means, this should be kept open, for past reference, as well as art. So, like Dripik, if you’d like to post some art or other-related things on the story, feel free to do so!
Last edited by mitsur; 12-21-2006 at 10:48 AM..
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Most of the stories I've read on here, while they often have a nice humourous touch, have a serious backstory, (and don't get me wrong, that's usually a good thing) so this is just seriously funny (now isn't that an oxymoron for you 
) stuff that seems totally random! Good job 
