This topic has hibernated many times, it was due for a bump. It's still on topic and not too big, so no mod should care.
Direct speech (I assume) is dialoge, which is vital for most stories. Short stories that I can recall reading often do not quote the entirity of what was said. The narator tells you what the conversation involved without printing all of it to save space (since each person's dialogue needs to start a new paragraph). I assume that's why you were told off; the story was too long or there wasn't enough content.
As for your book:
4 characters does not seem like too many. 4 seems about typical (since a D&D party usualy has 4 members). Fantasy novels usually have a LOT more; thrillers will have 1-2 main heros with a side-kick for a bit and a villain you don't really hear from (4 characters, 3 with screen-time).
As for 1st or 3rd person, try reading any novel by Terry Pratchett. Even his kids books are in 3rd person but they can switch to italics to give what the character is thinking at the time (allowing 1st person content). I wouls see 1st person as harder to write, and it may get confusing if you switch to annother character's thoughts (although the Wicked series did this each chapter).
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