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Posted 03-18-2016 at 02:00 AM by STM
What is up, my dudes?

So, wow, it's the 18th March 2016; exactly one year to the day I started work on the site I'm working on. It's also my last day here, I'm finally leaving what the guys affectionately used to call 'Colditz'.

My year long stint at Colindale has been hallmarked by the amount of growing I've had to do. 2015 was an end of innocence; a sudden, jarring entry into the real work and the end point of a metamorphosis from optimistic student to travelling NEET to nameless white-collar economic end-product.

I can look back in retrospect and pin-point key dates that have helped me evolve in what I am at the moment. I was struck with depression in March when I was thrown head fast into a management position without guidance. May collapsed a nearly two year long relationship and at the same time saw me enter into a new one. Months trickled by and I grew tired and jaded and cynical. I've had a twitch in my eye for eleven months straight due to a regression into a perpetual zombie state from lack of sleep, punctuated only with caffeine induced moments of clarity.

I got fat in the last twelve months, from sitting on my arse all day long I've gone from 160lbs to a peak of 200lbs and the diet I've self imposed is gutting me of the thing I've probably used to medicate my constant state of neurotic apathy; food. Already I've lost 7lbs but there's work to be done and I won't be happy until my visible pot-belly goes and I can fit into the jeans I wore last year.

September time I moved into my own apartment; my little slice of the world that I don't own, nor have any claim to. It's small and mouldy and cluttered and the rent + council tax has whittled away my savings to the point that, three weeks into the month I have £30 to my name. I have no one to rely on for help in this situation and nor would I want to, comparative poverty is a funny thing and all I can say is that I'm struggling but coping well, and that is something I'm proud of. I must be the most overworked, underpaid quasi-manager in London because everyone else in the industry at my level talks about going on three holidays a year and I just put myself on the brink of debt to buy a second hand, 11 year old car so that I can actually get to work.

My missus has a pathological inability to hold down a job and has churned her way through four in the six months we've been living together. She's never had one lined up when she hands her notice in which means we often live on just my wage alone for a month at a time. If she does it again we'll lose the apartment and I'll probably have to go bankrupt because there's really not much else to do. It's not all her fault, she was bullied out of a few of them and whilst I'm only sympathetic about that, she'd rather leave than confront the bully which is a fucking wet blanket cop out if you ask me. There are times I've gone to the toilet to sob; a grown ass fucking man sitting in a cubicle crying because of the people he has to deal with and the stress he faces. Then I pull myself the fuck together, wipe my face and go back out and take more punishment, as everyone else in the world does.

But I love her, she's a nice enough girl. I don't know how to find the switch to turn her off about marriage though. What is it with women and marriage? How do you tell an emotionally crippled/ PTSD suffering abuse victim that you don't want to get married without worrying her into a seizure? Any advice from the non-cunts here would be greatly appreciated.

Despite the me me me state of this blog, I'm taking a more wholesome, international, self-reductionist approach to my interaction with the world recently. I am the traffic, I am the queue, I am the strain on the NHS, &c.. I'm so sick of listening to people putting their problems on scapegoats (which happens a lot in an industry beleaguered with covert racists at the helm).

I think the world is becoming by and large a worse place, and this might just be due to my increasing consciousness of current affairs, but I see how we treat our fellow man, how there is a general perception that cultural/race segregation is an okay thing, and this idea that people should stay in their own countries is now valid and an acceptable idea to champion, is concerning and creates a nihilistic feeling that the cycle will not end and that we're all destined to fucking hate each other until we cease to exist as a species any more, for whatever reason that may be.

What's good though? Well, I mean my birthday is coming up soon, and ignoring the fact that I'll be at my biological peak; another year under the belt gives me another year of experience at this thing we call life.

What else is there to say? I dunno, I can't think of anything. Excited af for Soulstorm.
Total Comments 45


FrustratedAssassin's Avatar
Hahahahahaha that is horrible someone kill me before I finish college
Posted 03-18-2016 at 04:39 AM by FrustratedAssassin

Vlam's Avatar
STM, I don't understand what you do for a living.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 04:55 AM by Vlam

STM's Avatar
I tell Ukrainians, Bulgarians and Romanians to build walls.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 05:32 AM by STM

Vlam's Avatar
No Poles?
Posted 03-18-2016 at 05:40 AM by Vlam

Manco's Avatar
No, only walls.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 06:00 AM by Manco

FrustratedAssassin's Avatar
management position
sitting on my arse
build walls
Don't the people who tell other people to build walls usually work in the construction sites too?

Also are you going to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it?
Posted 03-18-2016 at 06:28 AM by FrustratedAssassin

STM's Avatar
The poles tend to be supervisors. I work in a site office on a construction site. Yes I am.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 06:31 AM by STM

Crashpunk's Avatar
No, only walls.
Fucking hell Manco. That had me laughing like an idiot.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 09:37 AM by Crashpunk

Vlam's Avatar
Crashpunk, do you have something against Polish people?
Posted 03-18-2016 at 09:40 AM by Vlam

STM's Avatar
Who doesn't? Fucking poles, coming here, stealing our jobs.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 11:11 AM by STM

JayDee's Avatar
Back in my day before immigration got so aloof we used to have real hardworking British people to hold up our washing lines.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 11:19 AM by JayDee

Vlam's Avatar
Seriously, STM, I don't understand what you're complaining about. You seem to be living the dream.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 02:16 PM by Vlam

STM's Avatar
I mean comparatively, I don't live in France so, it's less smelly here.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 03:07 PM by STM

Nate's Avatar
Tell her that you're too young to get married. That's a good 'It's not you, it's me' explanation.

Also, it's absofuckinglutely true.
Posted 03-18-2016 at 07:32 PM by Nate

STM's Avatar
Dude, do you not think I've tried that? :L
Posted 03-19-2016 at 02:57 AM by STM

Vlam's Avatar
STM, you're turning french, by complaining for no reason. Watch out!
Posted 03-19-2016 at 03:38 AM by Vlam

Varrok's Avatar

Wrong? xd
Posted 03-19-2016 at 04:12 AM by Varrok

STM's Avatar
Spierdolic kurwa.
Posted 03-19-2016 at 07:30 AM by STM

Varrok's Avatar
Oż ty jebany, kurwa, śmieciu. Jak śmiesz się tak chujowo brzydko wyrażać, stulejarzu i niedojebie, do kurwy nędzy!

Good luck with that. Even google translate gives up
Posted 03-19-2016 at 12:51 PM by Varrok

STM's Avatar
A lot of Polish insults don't translate directly to English. Even kurwa, where the closest thing we have is whore.

Anyway, zrób mi laskę.
Posted 03-19-2016 at 03:33 PM by STM

Xorlidyr's Avatar
Varrok, I understand you completely. Let me word it in aristocratic English for others to enjoy.

"Oh you, abused twisted soul, devalued one! You dare express yourself in such an unsophisticated, indecent manner, be you demented and mutilated, may you attain salvation".
Posted 03-20-2016 at 08:06 AM by Xorlidyr
Updated 03-20-2016 at 08:09 AM by Xorlidyr

Varrok's Avatar
That's like, missing the point
Posted 03-20-2016 at 08:10 AM by Varrok

Xorlidyr's Avatar
The aristocratic society is full of hypocrisy.
Posted 03-20-2016 at 08:13 AM by Xorlidyr

Vlam's Avatar
Varrok is a poet.
Posted 03-20-2016 at 08:16 AM by Vlam

MA's Avatar
Seriously, STM, I don't understand what you're complaining about. You seem to be living the dream.
you're a fucking idiot. you just revealed how naive you are. you either have more money than sense or still live with your parents.

having no money to live off once all the bills are paid is not 'living the dream'. i know because i'm in a similar situation so i feel for STM. it's a form of poverty. literally wondering whether you're going to have enough money to feed yourself for the next month is pretty fucking stressful and scary, not to mention the fact you have no extra money to cover any unexpected expenses that might crop up.

i could continue givng examples of why you're an idiot but it's a pretty depressing subject, especially since i'm in that position too, so i'll just finish by saying: you don't know shit, Vlam. you don't know shit. just you wait.

PS: hang in there, STM. i'm sorry i have no advice to offer on the marriage thing but i know where you're coming from about being flat-broke. atm i'm being kicked out of my flat because my landlady is selling the property so i need to find somewhere else to live. again. this will be the fourth time i've had to move in the past three years, i still feel fucking exhausted from the last time. life always finds a way to throw more bullshit at you. i hate to quote Undertale, but since there are a few relevant avatars floating around perhaps it's fitting...

Posted 03-20-2016 at 10:08 AM by MA

Vlam's Avatar
Having the cancer (like a do) is a better reason to complain. I may never play SoulStorm.
Posted 03-20-2016 at 10:21 AM by Vlam

STM's Avatar
MA, I'm just starting a new job down in Hayes (near Uxbridge), the offer of work still applies if ever you need it and you fancy the massive change in scenery.

Thanks you <3 I'd never wish poverty on anyone, so it probably sounds cynical and cruel to say it's nice to hear someone who understands.
Posted 03-20-2016 at 10:52 AM by STM

Vlam's Avatar
STM, so sad to have a good job and everything. Stay determined!
Posted 03-20-2016 at 10:57 AM by Vlam

MA's Avatar
Having the cancer (like a do) is a better reason to complain. I may never play SoulStorm.
what, you have cancer? is that what you're saying? if so this is a pretty shitty way to tell someone that, by guilt-tripping them into feeling bad about complaining about problems very real and serious to them because having cancer just blows all that shit out of the water. whether you have cancer or not, that's a dick move, Vlam. and you're still a dick. does calling you that after what you just said make me a bad person? maybe, but i feel it's a truth that needs to be said. stop being a dick, Vlam.

either way just dismissing someone's problems because they're not as bad as your own doesn't make them any less problematic for that person. telling someone to 'stop complaining' solves nothing, especially when it's something worth complaining about. like this. because having no money is a very serious problem. so shut up, Vlam. you obviously know nothing of the real world and have probably been sheltered your entire life, cancer or no cancer.

also: i don't believe you anyway.
Posted 03-20-2016 at 10:58 AM by MA

Vlam's Avatar
MA, did you understand my point? I think you do.

Be happy and stop complaining for no reason!
Posted 03-20-2016 at 11:00 AM by Vlam


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