she said no

I don't even know how I feel right now. it's weird. Devastated might be a good word to use. I just can't explain it.

I saw her today at a party. the girl that she has feeling for was there too. one of us got a lot more attention than the other. she came and sat with (on) me for about an hour, and it was really great. at the end of the party she told me that she didn't think she could be serious about anything with me. talking to her just before she said...

I had my valedictory (posh graduation) tonight. I'm almost done with school. Today our year level gathered, and sat around for ages while everyone got pieces of paper, special awards and whatnot. It was heart-wrenching, tear-jerking and generally fantastic. We have a good year, even if I don't know most of the >100 kids. We all laughed together in the 2009 -> 2013 photos of everyone, and we all really enjoyed the night.

I spent most of the night sitting with This One Girl, whispering...

It was my 5 year anniversary here on Thursday.

I joined this place at the end of primary school. I was young, bright eyed and ready to take on the world. I had friends, career goals and the energy to be constantly pushing myself.

I'm typing this with 4.5 weeks of school lessons left, plus a few weeks of exams. Everything wrapping up. My university audition is on Tuesday next week, and I'm confident that I can play everything well for it.

I'm tired. Tired...

I can't handle things the way they are any more. School is too stressful. I've felt dreadful all week knowing how far behind I am after being unwell. I've been feeling sick again. I'm going back to the doctor again again again again tomorrow, but I doubt that will change anything. I'm starting to think this is all in my head. I'm starting to think this is all me.

Trying to stay close to my friends hurts right now. They're all I have, but none of them seem to care about me much. At...

Palindromic numbers are the coolest numbers.

e: I was going to leave the typo so that Varrok's post had context, but it was so bad that I couldn't ignore it.

In case anyone missed the memo, there's a bit of interest brewing in OddChat again. Chrome won't let you use it because of Java security holes, but you can get on with Firefox.

I will probably be on for most of the next 4 hours at least, and also around that time every night for the foreseeable future. Come say "hi"!

Here is a list of all of the things I'm too tired to do right now:

1. Writing anything substantial (ie not this)
2. Flute Practice
3. Composing Music
4. Arranging Music
5. Going for walks
6. Reading
7. Standing up for more than a few minutes
8. Playing video games
9. Sitting up for long periods of time
10. Singing

Basically, anything other than lying in bed watching mindless TV all day, or browsing the internet. Some of this is a bit exaggerated, like reading. I can read things. I cannot focus...

I saw my doctor on Monday. Apparently I'm perfectly healthy. Blood tests all came up clear. Even my vitamin D is good, which really made me laugh for some reason. The xray showed a slight rotation in my spine, but that shouldn't be causing me much trouble and probably isn't the source of my back/neck aches. It turns out that they tested me for Lupus, so thankfully that came back negative.

So what does this mean for me? Less sympathy from my teachers and parents.

I still...

I wish.

Basically, the fatigue stuff I blogged about ages ago got worse and worse and worse and eventually I hit breaking point. I spent an entire weekend in bed, then rather than going to a doctor I went back and did a week of school. I don't remember if I mentioned in my last blog, but I hit a point weeks ago where it was getting hard to do homework. In that week I did absolutely nothing. Then, cue last weekend. Again, I crashed out in bed. On Monday, I felt worse, and I finally...

Seriously.

So lately I've been really tired. I'm not talking inconvenient tired. I'm talking unable to function tired. I'm talking "I've been awake for less than 12 hours and I'm crashing out" tired. I'm talking only about 5 productive hours in my day tired.

So, I'm currently 2 weeks into my second quarter of my last year of school. Between quarters, we get 2 weeks break. At the end of the first quarter I was in a pretty bad state. It didn't surprise me that I got sick...